Seize the opportunity!
LET'S be constructive about this dispute between the city and Top Gear. Let's
turn it to our advantage. Let's take a leaf out of the book of Salt Lake City, in the
US.
At Salt Lake City, Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts and former
candidate for president, is going to get into the ring and fight Evander Holyfield,
former heavyweight world boxing champion.
It's in aid of charity. Romney's connection with Salt Lake City is that he helped
organise the Winter Olympics there in 2002.
Bingo! Why not put city manager S'bu Sithole in the ring with Jeremy Clarkson?
A full 15 rounds, the man left standing gets half the takings. Moses Mabhida
stadium would be a sell-out. The city could use its share to offset the cost of the
Commonwealth Games.
Clarkson, as we know, has been in heavy training, decking BBC production
assistants and so forth, but there's time for S'bu to catch up. I'm sure the metro
police could devise a rigorous training programme for him and allow him the use
of their gym. He can get into practice, clipping a few of his clerical staff down at
city hall. It's all in a good cause, they won't mind.
It's time to think outside the box!
Ready Aye Ready
THE police in Toronto, Canada, have been puzzled by the
discovery of a tunnel dug under woodland near York University.
It extends about 10m, is well constructed with wooden supports,
about 3m underground, and had in it a gas generator and a sump
pump for extracting groundwater.
Hanging from a nail were a rosary and a Remembrance Day
poppy.
Who could have been responsible for this? My thoughts went
immediately to Merchiston Preparatory School, in Maritzburg. Had
a Merchistonian emigrated to Canada?
Back in the 50s a movie came out, The Wooden Horse. This was
about British prisoners-of-war escaping from a German camp.
They tunnelled their way out, hiding the surplus earth they'd dug
inside a wooden exercise horse they used, which also covered the
mouth of the tunnel. They surreptitiously disposed of the earth, the
German guards never suspecting a thing.
The Merchiston boarders – this was at the old premises in Burger
Street – were encouraged to cultivate a vegetable garden in a
corner of the grounds. Seedling boxes were in place. After the
screening of The Wooden Horse, tunnels made their appearance
beneath each seedling box.
Most of these tunnels wandered rather aimlessly. But one was
ambitious, targeted. Its excavators planned to go right under
Commercial Road and come up inside Oxenham's Bakery, where
the diggers would be able to seize pies and cake.
But, alas, they were frustrated. They discovered that roads actually
have deep and impassable foundations.
On reflection, this was desperately dangerous stuff. The teaching
staff would have had kittens if they'd known about it. I recall having
a conversation with the kamp kommandant, er headmaster, about
the contents of a seedling box, he absolutely unaware that in the
tunnel beneath that box was another small boy with a paraffin
lamp.
The earth must have been of just the right loam. The marvel is
that there was not a single collapse, not a casualty. Enthusiasm
waned, new movies brought new ideas. The tunnels were
abandoned. They're possibly still there. I don't think the staff ever
had the faintest inkling of what had been going on for a few weeks.
I still shudder when I think of it.
The Canada thing? A fellow named Elton McDonald has now
come forward and says he and a friend dug the tunnel, it seems
just to have a place to chill out and relax. It seems no law has
been broken. I wonder – does Elton have any connection with
Merchiston?
Tailpiece
TWO paintings are hanging in an art gallery. Both are still lifes by
the same artist. Each features a laid table with a glass of wine, a
plate of bread rolls and a plate of ham. One is priced R1 000, the
other R1 500.
"Why the price difference?" asks a customer.
"You get more ham with the expensive one."
Last word
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending
a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time
looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
Beryl Pfizer
No comments:
Post a Comment