It's carnival time
LOAD shedding is providing some truly spectacular traffic snarl-
ups at evening rush hour as the lights at the intersections stop
functioning. In the Springfield Park-Umgeni road sector the other
afternoon there was a jam worthy of anything to be found in Lagos,
Nigeria, which has until now been a world leader in the field.
In Lagos the traffic jams have become giant informal markets, with
vendors selling everything from hurricane lamps to live chickens.
Excitement is provided from time to time by the Nigerian equivalent
of our blue light convoys. Except that because of the gridlock they
are practically stationary so the escorting cops lean out of the
windows as the sirens howl and they whack everything in sight
with truncheons, causing corrugations in roofs and bonnets and
the occasional splintering of windscreen glass.
We're getting there, we're getting there. Spontaneous street
markets will spring up as people camp out waiting for the traffic to
get moving; impromtu roadside braais also; buskers will see their
opportunity; it can develop into a gigantic street carnival – every
evening.
Let's have this in place by the time the Commonwealth Games
come to Durban.
Metro police?
AT THE intersection snarl-ups, it's astonishing the way street
urchins take upon themselves the function of directing the traffic.
They do it with great enthusiasm and at times a degree of success.
Whether they get any reward for this is not clear. Maybe it's pure
public-spiritedness.
But where are the metro police in these monster snarl-ups?
They're not to be seen. Do they all knock off at evening rush hour?
One might have thought the traffic crisis brought on by load-
shedding would be exactly the sort of thing the metro cops are
there to handle. That some sort of strategy would have been
drawn up and put into action.
Dream on ...
Stats
CRICKET is a game where events on the field of play are captured
in a mass of statistics explaining what happened and how.
Those stats would be absolutely meaningless to a Martian or
an American. Even for those of us who love the game, the stats
themselves have a certain dryness.
Who would think that they could be made entertaining? Yet at
a meeting at Kingsmead the other evening of the Natal Cricket
Society, military historian Paul Kilmartin had the place rocking with
laughter. (Paul's speciality is World War I – world cricket is a side
interest).
His format is a quiz with some really obscure and arcane questions
(a surprising number of which some of our fellows were able to
answer), and when his audience are stumped, he supplies the
answers in a very off-beat way.
Paul is based in England. He goes to a curry restaurant in Maida
Vale, which has on the menu a Geoffrey Boycott curry – "It gives
you the runs slowly".
Great stuff!
Civilisation
READER Eric Hodgson sums up the status of our civilisation:
Our phones – wireless; cooking – fireless; cars – keyless; food
– fatless; tyres –tubeless; dress – sleeveless; youth – jobless;
leaders – shameless; relationships – meaningless; attitudes –
careless; babies – fatherless; feelings – heartless; education –
valueless; children – mannerless; country – Godless.
We are speechless. Government is clueless. Our politicians are
worthless.
Eric says he's scared ... er, it rhymes with witless.
Not Confucius
FRED Haupt sends in a list of things Confucius did NOT say:
• Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spiderweb, leads to undoing of fly.
• Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
• Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
• Wise man not keep sledgehammer and slow computer in
same room.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
• A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.
Did Confucius really not say those things? Maybe he should have.
Tailpiece
NOTE on the fridge:
"My dear wife,
"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy.
"I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after
reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I
will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my
18 year old secretary.
"Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."
Second note on the fridge:
"My dear husband,
"I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old.. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54.
"As you know, I am a mathematics teacher at our local college. I would
like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant rugby coach. He is
young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old.
"As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference.
Eighteen goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I
will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Last word
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
GK Chesterton
No comments:
Post a Comment