The Idler, Thursday, October 18, 2012

Shock in the art world

THE ARTY set listened aghast the other evening as the story unfolded of the criminal background of renowned Durban artist Andrew Verster. Simultaneously – and even more shocking – it unfolded that his artwork was once given the thumbs-down by the British government.

It all began innocently enough at the Mondays at Six soiree at the Alliance Francaise. We'd been shown two excellent short films about Andrew, his work and what makes him tick as an artist. Then he was taking questions.

Somebody asked if apartheid had influenced his work at all? Had any of his painting been protest painting?

Andrew seemed a little nonplussed. No, he was not a political artist, he said. If you had to wait for perfect conditions before practising art, you'd wait until you were dead.

Then compere Pieter Scholtz reminded him of a bit of artwork during the apartheid era that did have a political context. Oh yes, Andrew now recalled it.

He told how the son of a friend had been subjected to banning orders. Andrew took it upon himself to manufacture a fake passport to get him out of the country. He used his artistic and photographic skills, even down to the official embossment over the photograph. Then he drove the youngster to Johannesburg and put him on a flight to London.

The kid got through OK. Then, safely in London, he went to the authorities to ask for refugee status. They were astounded when he showed them his false passport.

"That's the worst passport we've ever seen. You couldn't possibly have come in on that."

"But I did." There was the entry stamp.

So Andrew Verster has a shady past. And, though he did fool the immigration officials at Heathrow, the Home Office were pretty rude about his artwork. No wonder he's kept quiet about it all these years.

Mondays at Six - you never know what you're going to hear next.

 

My round!

THE PLAYBOY Club, in London, claims a new world record for the most expensive cocktail.

Barman Salvatore Calabrese has put together a cocktail he calls Salvatore's Legacy, which contains ingredients dating back to before American independence and the French Revolution. It sets you back a cool £5 500  a glass.

Guinness World Records is investigating the claim, which would beat the current record, a cocktail costing £3 766 that is served in the Burj Al Arab Hotel, in Dubai.

Salvatore's  cocktail uses a 1778 Clos de Griffier Vieux Cognac; a 1770 Kummel liqueur; a circa-1860 Dubb Orange Curacao; and two dashes of Angostura bitters dating from around 1900.

This must be kept from the bartenders at the Street Shelter for the Over-40s. Emulation is to be discouraged.

 

Schlenter stuff

READER Pat McKrill, of Camperdown, has produced a parody in verse of the tender fraud, double payments, nepotism and other corruption that we read about daily It's a lengthy piece but here are the closing stanzas:

My dad's the same I have to say,

He's in a spot of trouble,

He gave himself a pay increase

But the accountant paid him double.

 

It wouldn't be so bad you see

If the accountant weren't his brother

And the mayor who signed the paperwork

Didn't happen to be my mother.

 

I think I'll give this one a miss,

This voting's just a farce

We're equal now, we're all the same

No need to go to class.

 

Each one's as clever as the next,

There's no more need to fail,

I'll go ahead and help myself

'Cos my cousin owns the jail.

Tailpiece

A TOURIST is sitting in the sunshine outside an Irish pub, enjoying a pint of Guinness. A nun approaches and launches into a lecture on the evils of drink.

"Do you never drink?" the tourist asks.

"Not at all, not at all. Not a drop of drink has ever passed me lips."

"Then how can you say? Come, let me buy you a drink."

"How can I, a nun, stand here wit' a drink in me hand?" Then she considers. "But maybe if you put it in a teacup."

He marches inside and orders a teacup with a double whiskey in it.

Barman: "Don't tell me, sorr! Dat nun's out dere again!"

Last word

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it.

CP Snow

 

The Idler, Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Mars and the applejack idiom

SCIENTISTS analysing rocks discovered by Nasa's Curiosity Mars rover use applejack – the potent American colonial-era liquor made from apples – to explain what they're finding.

Professor Edward Stolper, of the California Institute of Technology, says a particular chunk of igneous rock being studied would have formed in a process best explained by the production process of colonial applejack.

This saw barrels of cider left outside in winter to partially freeze. As the barrels iced up, they would concentrate the apple-flavoured liquor.

A similar process occurred in the liquid magma several kilometres underground that gave rise to alkalic rocks such as this one, says Stolper.

"In the case of the applejack, you take out water and concentrate alcohol; in this case you take out particular minerals - olivines, pyroxenes and some feldspars - and you generate a liquid that is very different to what you started with."

Yeah, we follow.

It's interesting that applejack should be the idiom. Or maybe these Nasa scientists just have their minds somewhere else.

 

Witblits

IT'S ALSO interesting that colonial applejack – which was used in the old days in America to pay roadworking gangs - should have been known as New Jersey Lightning.

Very similar to our Witblits, which is made out of grapes.

Mangaung marriage?

THE FASCINATION of the Mangaung succession battle spreads. Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe, noted raconteur) draws a parallel in his latest "letter to Oom Schalk" (raconteur in the Herman Charles Bosman stories) with the Wars of the Roses in 15^th century England.

This was fought between the Lancasters and the Yorks and was resolved when Henry Tudor married Elizabeth of York, uniting the families and England.

"The Mangaung version will be between members of the ANC family, but fought along political lines. The process will be similar, much toyi-toying and mayhem whilst the populace and the country suffer.

"I can only hope that resolution of the matter does not involve a further marriage. Imagine, Oom Schalk, Zuma with another wife. Eish! Spear the thought!"

 

 

Eyeballed

GINO Covacci was walking along the beach when he found he was being eyeballed. Staring at him was a blue eyeball the size of a grapefruit. It was lying there on the beach where it had been washed up.

It happened on Pompano Beach, north of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Covacci has nerve. He didn't flinch from the giant eyeball staring at him. Some might have turned and ran. He put it – so fresh it was still bleeding – into a plastic bag and then into the fridge at home.

The scientists are baffled. The most the Florida Fish and Wildlife Research Institute can say is that it has to be from some kind of large fish.

Oh, I don't know. What about a marine version of Bigfoot, the giant grizzly?

 

Girls' best friend

THE GLAMOUR gals must be swooning - astronomers says they have discovered a planet twice the size of earth that consists largely of diamond. The rocky planet, called 55 Cancri e, is in the constellation of Cancer, orbiting a sun-like star that is visible with the naked eye.

And it's only 40 light years away, Doll! Imagine a yellow 55 Cencri e, set in platinum! Oh my!

De Beers surely must be about to embark on space exploration.

Seahorse trade

RESEARCHERS from the Zoological Society of London have produced a charming video of the vibrantly coloured West African seahorse (hippocampus algiricus) bobbing about in the sea off Senegal.

Disturbing though is the reason for the research. It seems there's a burgeoning trade in seahorses. And – yes, you've probably guessed – the seahorses are used in traditional Chinese medicine. That's why the ZSL, Imperial College, London, and the University of British Columbia want to find out more about the West African seahorse – its habitat, life cycle and population status.

The rhinos of Zululand, now the seahorses of West Africa – is nothing safe from Chinese quackery?

 

 

 

Tailpiece

She (gently removing his specs): "You know, honey, without your glasses you look just like the same handsome young man I married."

He: "Honey, without my glasses you look pretty good too."

 

Last word

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

Samuel Goldwyn

 

The Idler, Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sad and curious case

 

AN INTERESTING case study in matrimonial relations, the ageing process, the law and the jury system comes this way from America.

 

It involves a man - who we shall call Chris - and his wife, Robyn. They were a model couple. He was attentive and considerate. She was loyal and supportive.

 

In fact so happy and harmonious was their relationship as they cruised into the golden years of marriage that Chris felt compelled to share with a wider world the contentment they experienced. It might put other couples on a similar path.

He put something on the internet.

 

 

"My name is Chris. Let me relate how I handled the situation of ageing with my wife, Robyn. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Robyn to get a full-time job for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

 

"Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

 

"Although she knows how hungry I get after I've been drinking all afternoon, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

 

"I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

 

"She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.

 

"I know she really appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

"Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she will say it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em 'for better or for worse', so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

"When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she was making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

"I know I probably look like a saint the way I support Robyn.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult, some impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

 

"However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other."

 

Now comes the alarming part of the case study.

 

Chris died suddenly on May 27, of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long Big Bertha Driver golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely five inches of grip showing and with a sledgehammer lying nearby.

 

His wife, Robyn, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took 15 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defence that Chris somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

A sad and curious case. How could a random incident have so destroyed an idyll?

 

 

Tailpiece

A BEGGAR approaches a shopping mall kugel, dressed to the nines.

"Lady, I haven't eaten anything for three days."

"My, I wish I had your willpower!"

Last word

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Steven Wright

The Idler, Monday, October 15, 2012

That extra dop

WHAT a pulsating end to the round robin stage of the Currie Cup. Last Friday it was like a rerun of the glory days of Izak van Heerden as Charl McLeod went over under the posts after the ball had gone through what seemed like a dozen pairs of hands.

Then there was Western Province simply piling it on against hapless Free State, who have been one of the most attractive sides in the competition. Then the flawless seesaw match between the Bulls and the Lions.

Who says the Currie Cup competition has been watered down? It's still the best rugby in the world. It starts out with usually younger players playing truly adventurously, gelling into a formidable unit.

Then the Springboks return for the last few games, adding oomph. This isn't watering down – it's adding an extra dop.

Insults, insults

IN HIS latest grumpy newsletter, investment analyst Dr James Greener laments that the government has taken to insulting its citizens.

"This is a whole lot easier than actually operating an administration that delivers services. We have been told that although it looks as if things are falling apart at SAA, in fact things are not falling apart and actually the sudden departure of a dozen board members and top executives is a good thing for the airline as it makes space for people who really know how to run an airline.

"Again, we have been told that the cost and motivation for a nice new road in the heart of Zululand has absolutely nothing to do with us and we may inquire no further. And also the huge Zuma family compound that has blossomed at the end of that road is vital for the well-being and security of the president and therefore the country.

"Reportedly the Pres himself paid for much of it. Really? We have already discussed the relatively meagre presidential salary and it sure doesn't extend to helipads, clinics, underground bunkers and tunnels.

"We citizens are certainly being kept in the dark about how powerful our enemies are."

 

Complete these …

 

A TEACHER gave her primary school pupils the first part of a string of well-known English expressions, asking them to complete each sentence. The result was not quite what she expected.

 

·        Don't change horses … until they stop running.

·        Strike while the … bug is close.

·        It's always darkest before … daylight saving time.

·        Never underestimate the power of … termites.

·        You can lead a horse to water but … how?

·        Don't bite the hand that … looks dirty.

·        No news is … impossible.

·        A miss is as good as a … Mr

·        You can't teach an old dog new … maths.

·        If you lie down with dogs you'll … stink in the morning.

·        Love all, trust … me.

·        The pen is mightier than the … pigs.

·        An idle mind is … the best way to relax.

·        Where there's smokes there's … pollutuion.

·        Happy is the bride who … gets all the presents.

·        A penny saved is … not much.

·        Two's company, three's … the Musketeers.

·        Don't put off 'til tomorrow … what you put on to go to bed.

·        Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose.

·        There are none so blind as … Stevie Wonder.

·        Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.

·        If at first you don't succeed … get new batteries.

·        You get out of something only what you … see in the picture on the box.

·        When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.

·        A bird in the hand … is going to poop on you.

·        Better late than … pregnant.

 

Andrew and Andrew

LEADING artist Andrew Verster will discuss his work tonight at the weekly Mondays at Six soiree at the Alliance Francaise. The evening kicks off with the screening of a 20-minute interview of Verster by Gill Andrew.

Tailpiece

"Knock-knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Old Lady."

"Old Lady who?"

"Man, you yodel real good!"

 

Last word

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Orson Welles

 

The Idler, Friday, October 12, 2012

Scarecrows and monkeys

 

EARLIER this week we looked at the case of the British university graduate who has taken a job as a scarecrow, making a noise with a cow bell, accordion and ukulele.

 

A reader now connects that with the monkey problem. Mary Anne Grafetsberger, of South Beach, is absolutely enthused with the idea.

 

"It's a darned good one. I see job creation written all over it. For all those in hysterics over a few monkeys looking for an easy meal, hire a full-time scarecrow.

 

"All they have to supply is the uniform, the cow bell, accordion and ukulele. No training is required. Add to this the leopards, dogs and all the other ideas you have passed on to readers and we should soon have a monkey-free region.

 

"I love monkeys and if I could divert them to my spot I would. If I could convince them to catch a South Beach taxi and bring their towels and costumes they are more than welcome to have a dip in the sea and leave the fancy swimming pools alone.

 

"I know of a lady in Verulam who has never had a day's problems with monkeys. She has a small table at the bottom of her garden and when she hears them coming over the rooftops, about three or four times a week, she puts out a selection of bites and anything else from left-overs. They come down, sit quietly around the table with handfuls of goodies and leave when they are finished. They don't even wait for their martinis.

 

"Sometimes I am embarrassed to be referred to as human, considering all the inhumane things we do to our urban creatures. I have to go now, to swing from a tree in Medwood Gardens before I take my cup of coffee at City Hall."

 

Oh, so that eccentrically athletic woman I now and again see down in the CBD is Mary Anne. I take her point. But when you start setting a garden table for monkeys, next thing they're playing cards, smoking cheroots and knocking back tequilas. It gets out of hand.

 

Frogs, frogs, frogs …

 

TRISH Dinkelmann points out that the Pickersgill reed frog which featured in the picture spot of Wednesday's column was in fact a painted reed frog.

 

You know, I just knew there was something amiss about that picture. But between Pickersgill reed frogs, painted reed frogs, Kermit the Frog and the Frog and the Princess, one gets confused.

 

Thank you for the correction. A painted reed frog it is.

 

Suspicious character

A MAN has been arrested at Los Angeles airport after a smoke grenade, gas mask, body bags and weapons were discovered in his luggage, en route to Boston from Japan.

Officers became suspicious when they noticed he was wearing a bulletproof vest and flame-retardant trousers. His luggage contained knives, body bags, a hatchet, a collapsible baton, a biohazard suit, a gas mask, billy clubs, handcuffs, leg irons and a device to repel dogs; also the smoke grenade.

Clearly this guy was up to no good. Flame-retardant trousers indeed. These smokers stop at nothing.

Tailpiece

THE ALL Blacks are in the changeroom, due to play Australia. They're unmotivated. Australia are so pathetic it's hardly worth running out.
 

Ritchie McCaw says "Okay guys, I hear what you're saying. I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don't you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly? They do that. After a few pots they get the barman to put the telly on.

The screen reads (after 10 minutes): "New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) -- Australia 0". A cheer goes up. 

Then the telly goes on the blink. Time passes. Then  somebody remembers. The telly is working again. " Full-time from Eden Park: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper Conversion.)"

They rush back to Eden Park, delighted  McCaw is slumped in the dressing room.  "I've let you down, guys."

"Don't be silly,  skipper; you got a draw, all alone. Fantastic! They scored  only a single try, right at the death after 79 minutes."

"No, I've let you down. Twenty minutes from full time, I got red-carded."

 

Last word

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.

Henry Adams

 

The Idler, Thursday, October 11, 2012

Nkandla is where it's at

YOU HAVE to see the big picture. It might seem extravagant to spend R600 million on a tarred road to President Zuma's home at Nkandla, in deep rural Zululand - but you do need a tarred road leading to an airport.

Airport? Yes, that's the next phase in this infrastructural development – a new international airport at Nkandla.

Who will it serve? It will be the stepping-off point for thousands of Sharks rugby fans, there to support their team.

Rugby at Nkandla? Yes, that's to be the new HQ of rugby in KwaZulu-Natal, located in a giant stadium whose plans are still with the architects.

That's just rugby. An even bigger football stadium is to be built just across the road for club and international events.

And the new airport will also serve a constant traffic to and from the International Cricket Council, which is to relocate to Nkandla from Dubai. There will also be regular test matches, ODIs and T20 spectaculars at the Nkandla Oval (on which work is due to begin sometime next year), which will draw huge crowds from around the world.

And, of course, there are lots of Zuma relatives to keep the airport turnstiles clicking throughout the year.

So far we have looked at just the sports aspect of development at Nkandla. On the cultural front, a new opera house is to be built, eclipsing what we already have in Pretoria. Nkandla is about to become the cultural capital of the world.

All this will be matched by financial infrastructure. The Nkandla Stock Exchange will take over from Johannesburg, while it is considered a near-certainty that the World Bank will relocate to Nkandla from New York.

And, of course, there are the security concerns. A squadron of fighter aircraft will be stationed at the new international airport; an artillery battery will be placed at Ntunjambili, opposite the Zuma homestead; and one of the submarines will be brought by flatbed truck from Simonstown for deployment in the Tugela.

You have to see the big picture.

 

River Kwai

A FORMER British soldier who was tortured by the Japanese while he was a prisoner of war working on the infamous Burma Railway has died at the age of 93. What makes the story of Eric Lomax really extraordinary is that long after the war he sought out and forgave the Japanese individual who had tortured him.

The Japanese himself had suffered nightmares of conscience and had in atonement financed the building of a Buddhist temple near the same railway bridge that featured in the 1957 film classic, Bridge on the River Kwai.

Lomax was repeatedly beaten and interrogated when his captors found a radio receiver he had made from spare parts. Several bones were broken and water was poured into his nose and mouth. One of his constant torturers stood out: Nagase Takashi, an interpreter.

Takashi eventually published a book, Crosses and Tigers, which told of his role during the war and his regrets – especially relating to a particular British prisoner. Lomax realised he must be the prisoner Takashi was referring to and sought him out.

They met in 1993 and Lomax – who had long fantasised about getting physical revenge – was absolutely bowled over by Takashi's absolute repentance and humility. They became friends.

Lomax went on to publish a book, The Railway Man, which is to be made into a film next year.

That's quite a story of humanity rising above it all. Just whistle Colonel Bogey.

 

River Khwai

IN BOTSWANA they've got a Bridge on the River Khwai. Well not quite, it so far reaches out about halfway across the river.

The contractor who was building the bridge died. A new one was appointed but the roads department decided he should first get an engineering degree at university. So it will be a few years yet.

Well, that's the story I got in the bar at a lodge nearby after we'd had a hair-raising time getting the Land Rover through a drift, the river rising. You never know when these safari people are pulling your leg as a townie.

Tailpiece

AN ARTIST and his model are kissing on the sofa. They hear the front door open.

"It's my wife! Quick! Get your clothes off!"

Last word

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realise till you have tried to make it precise.

Bertrand Russell