Scarecrows and monkeys
EARLIER this week we looked at the case of the British university graduate who has taken a job as a scarecrow, making a noise with a cow bell, accordion and ukulele.
A reader now connects that with the monkey problem. Mary Anne Grafetsberger, of South Beach, is absolutely enthused with the idea.
"It's a darned good one. I see job creation written all over it. For all those in hysterics over a few monkeys looking for an easy meal, hire a full-time scarecrow.
"All they have to supply is the uniform, the cow bell, accordion and ukulele. No training is required. Add to this the leopards, dogs and all the other ideas you have passed on to readers and we should soon have a monkey-free region.
"I love monkeys and if I could divert them to my spot I would. If I could convince them to catch a South Beach taxi and bring their towels and costumes they are more than welcome to have a dip in the sea and leave the fancy swimming pools alone.
"I know of a lady in Verulam who has never had a day's problems with monkeys. She has a small table at the bottom of her garden and when she hears them coming over the rooftops, about three or four times a week, she puts out a selection of bites and anything else from left-overs. They come down, sit quietly around the table with handfuls of goodies and leave when they are finished. They don't even wait for their martinis.
"Sometimes I am embarrassed to be referred to as human, considering all the inhumane things we do to our urban creatures. I have to go now, to swing from a tree in Medwood Gardens before I take my cup of coffee at City Hall."
Oh, so that eccentrically athletic woman I now and again see down in the CBD is Mary Anne. I take her point. But when you start setting a garden table for monkeys, next thing they're playing cards, smoking cheroots and knocking back tequilas. It gets out of hand.
Frogs, frogs, frogs …
TRISH Dinkelmann points out that the Pickersgill reed frog which featured in the picture spot of Wednesday's column was in fact a painted reed frog.
You know, I just knew there was something amiss about that picture. But between Pickersgill reed frogs, painted reed frogs, Kermit the Frog and the Frog and the Princess, one gets confused.
Thank you for the correction. A painted reed frog it is.
Suspicious character
A MAN has been arrested at Los Angeles airport after a smoke grenade, gas mask, body bags and weapons were discovered in his luggage, en route to Boston from Japan.
Officers became suspicious when they noticed he was wearing a bulletproof vest and flame-retardant trousers. His luggage contained knives, body bags, a hatchet, a collapsible baton, a biohazard suit, a gas mask, billy clubs, handcuffs, leg irons and a device to repel dogs; also the smoke grenade.
Clearly this guy was up to no good. Flame-retardant trousers indeed. These smokers stop at nothing.
Tailpiece
THE ALL Blacks are in the changeroom, due to play Australia. They're unmotivated. Australia are so pathetic it's hardly worth running out.
Ritchie McCaw says "Okay guys, I hear what you're saying. I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don't you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly? They do that. After a few pots they get the barman to put the telly on.
The screen reads (after 10 minutes): "New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) -- Australia 0". A cheer goes up.
Then the telly goes on the blink. Time passes. Then somebody remembers. The telly is working again. " Full-time from Eden Park: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper Conversion.)"
They rush back to Eden Park, delighted McCaw is slumped in the dressing room. "I've let you down, guys."
"Don't be silly, skipper; you got a draw, all alone. Fantastic! They scored only a single try, right at the death after 79 minutes."
"No, I've let you down. Twenty minutes from full time, I got red-carded."
Last word
No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
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