Graduate job opportunities
A BRITISH university graduate has taken a job as a scarecrow. Jamie Fox, 22, studied music and English at Bangor University, north Wales, but today he sits in a field near Norfolk wearing a bright orange coat and equipped with a cowbell, an accordion and a ukulele.
His job is to protect 10 acres of oilseed rape from birds, mainly partridges. When they circle he goes into action, running about and kicking up a din. The rest of the time he mainly reads.
For this he is paid fairly reasonably. The farmer says it's worth it because other bird-scaring devices just don't work.
It might sound a bit of a dead end for a university graduate, but you never know. Connect up with a cowardly lion, a tin man and a girl named Dorothy and showbiz beckons.
Hamster wheel
IF YOU CAN imagine a Mississippi paddle steamer of the Tom Sawyer era – but consisting of one paddle wheel and nothing much else – then you have a picture of Chris Todd's "human hamster wheel" that set out the other day to cross the Irish Sea.
He built the contraption in his backyard. It consisted of a large treadmill supported by two outrigger floats. His objective: to cross from Trearddur Bay, in North Wales, to Greystones harbour in Ireland - a distance of 105 km – all to raise funds for charity. He provided the locomotive power, stepping on the treadmill.
All went well as he set out on a flat calm sea but after progressing 25km the wind came up and matters went quickly awry. A giant hamster wheel with outrigger floats is not the ideal craft for the Irish Sea in a storm and very soon the contraption disintegrated and went to Davey Jones's locker. Todd himself was rescued.
Irish monks are said by some to have been the first Europeans to cross to America. They probably didn't use human hamster wheels.
A MAN DIED soon after winning a cockroach-eating contest at Deerfield Beach in South Florida, in the United States.
Edward Archbold, 32, had just won the grand prize of a python after downing dozens of live roaches, as well as some worms. The contest – which had about 30 entrants – was at a reptile store.
Archbold was in fine fettle after he'd out-guzzled his opponents but he suddenly became ill and collapsed outside the shop. He was taken to hospital where he was pronounced dead.
Nobody seems to think it was the cockroaches that did it. In fact it seems they're considered quite nutritious. None of the other contestants suffered any ill-effects. Maybe Archbold ate something unusual for breakfast, like a slice of toast, and was killed by the shock.
Short stories
THE ST CLEMENT'S book of 100-word short stories was launched at the Alliance Francaise this week, many of the authors reading their own work. There was some clever stuff such as Inger May Harber's Us and We (in verse form).
When did he and she
become You and Me?
And when did you and me
become Us and We?
A few whirling burnt dinner parties pass
with sweet nights slept in your breath.
Then one day, the coffee in the cup is cold.
And I am just a comma, not a full stop.
I try to pull you back for just a moment of warmth.
Like mould on the ceiling I can't help but stare at,
you're where my mind goes.
But now you and she is an Us and We.
And you and me,
We're just you and me.
Pronouns, punctuation … it's the Eternal Triangle.
Chucked out
OVERHEARD at the Street Shelter for the Over-40s: "There was this woman streaker in here last night – magnificent boobs! She got thrown out by the bouncers."
Tailpiece
HE'S ASLEEP in bed with his wife. An electric storm approaches. Suddenly the room is filled with the white flash of lightning.
He leaps out of bed: "I'll buy the negatives! I'll buy the negatives!"
Last word
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
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