In that case my money's on Smuts. (But this could be wishful thinking).
Spring is sprung
SPRING is here and the Cape canaries are in full song. The paving is carpeted with squishy black mulberries.
The other day I noticed canaries pecking at the mulberries on the ground, even though they are normally seed-eaters. Then I saw a Natal robin join them. He normally eats insects.
The birds just can't resist mulberry jam.
Tiny dinosaur
PALAEONTOLOGISTS at the University of Chicago have classified a tiny dinosaur from southern Africa that looks like something between a bird, a porcupine and a vampire.
They took their time identifying Pegomastax africanus (which means "thick jaw from Africa"). Its fossil was found in a slab of red rock in the 1960s and first came to their attention in 1983.
The dinosaur is only 61cm in length and would have been about the weight of a house cat. It had fangs and a blunt beak.
Something between a bird, a porcupine and a vampire – that sounds like just the thing to control vervet monkeys. But if you're thinking they should look around for fossil eggs and see if they can be incubated – forget it! Pegomastax africanus was vegetarian.
No ticket to ride
IN FLORIDA you ride a manatee at your peril. A woman who was spotted - and photographed - riding one in the surf has been tracked down by the Pinellas County sheriff's office and warned that she could be prosecuted.
What's a manatee? It's a large, herbivorous, seal-like creature that feeds on seaweed and so forth in tropical waters. Off the Mozambique coast it is known as a dugong. Some people call it a sea cow (though don't confuse it with a seekoei, which is a hippo).
The manatee/dugong gave rise to the legend among sailors of the mermaid. It's not the most glamorous creature – to be honest, it's plug-ugly - and those sailors had obviously been at sea a long time.
Ana Gutierrez was spotted frolicking with the manatee, climbing on its back and riding it, at Fort de Soto Park, near St Petersburg. This is in direct contravention of Florida's laws to protect manatees from such treatment. She says she's a newcomer to the area and was not aware of the law.
How the manatee took it we are not told. Ana Gutierrez is not a bad-looking gal, though a little on the buxom side. Most of us humans would be a little nervous of being ridden by her in the surf, let alone manatees.
Shoot a hoop
HEY DUDE, how about shootin' a hoop down at Albert Park this Saturday?
The YMCA is trying to set up a Guinness world record by mobilising five million people to shoot basketball hoops in 96 cities across five continents and lots of different time zones, all on the same day. It starts in New Zealand and ends in Hawaii.
Albert Park will be part of the South African contribution. The same thing will be happening in Athlone, Cape Town.
The day's activities worldwide will be connected by live broadcasting and social media.
Says the Rev Ian Booth, of the Greater Durban YMCA: "We're hoping that everyone coming to Albert Park will be brave enough to shoot a hoop. The whole day is going to be extremely colourful, along with some competitive action on the court."
Further information: thandeka@saymca.org.za or 031-305 4496.
Tailpiece
She: "How much have you had to drink?"
He: "Absholuuutititly nothing. Hic!"
She: "Look at me! It's either me or the pub – which is it?"
He: "It must be you. I can tell by the voice."
Last word
Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.
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