Over to the girls
BRITAIN has had its weirdest weather on record in the past few months, scientists say. The driest spring in more than a century gave way to the wettest ever recorded three months to June. But there's no evidence of man-made climate change being responsible.
If the Brits think they've been having weird weather, they should try KwaZulu-Natal. Here it's diabolical.
Three home games running, the Sharks have had to play on a sponge at King's Park. Plumtree has had to hire a water polo coach to help the fellows adapt. And it's the Currie Cup final next Saturday.
As I write, the bright sunshine that greeted the start of the week has changed to overcast, promising still more rain. The Brit scientists are probably correct that it's not man-made. But woman-made?
Years ago we had a national sage called Gert Yssel who insisted that drought was caused by the mini-skirt craze. If that's so, today we have the opposite. The girls need to raise their hemlines a bit to get the sun shining again.
No, what the heck! King's Park is waterlogged. Let's have mini-mini-minis, get the place dried out. This is an emergency.
Come on gals, a dry Currie Cup final depends on you. Show some leg for the sake of running rugby!
Out to stud?
YESTERDAY we discussed the danger that Patrick Lambie could be lured overseas to play his rugby if he doesn't get a fair deal here in national selection. Now it seems there's also a danger he could go out to stud.
A reader who calls himself Barrie with an "e" says he saw TV footage of a gorgeous girl holding a placard which read: "Patrick – I want to have your lambies!"
This is serious. A really determined girl could derail our rugby. Let's get the final behind us, then give this our full attention.
New heart-throb
MEANWHILE, another rugby heart-throb has arrived on the scene. Victor Matfield used to make TV appearances looking gaunt with his hair and beard awry, sometimes with a shiner and out of breath from his exertions on the field.
Since retirement he's become a commentator. He's had a bit of a make-over - flowing, silky black locks, trimmed beard, smoulderingly dark good looks and a totally relaxed attitude and manner of speech. In fact he looks very much like Prince Valiant, the refugee from the Isle of Thule who joined the Round Table of King Arthur.
I discovered last weekend that the gals are swooning over Victor in his new guise. But they're a little late, I'm afraid. He already has a lovely, golden-haired wife named Aleta and they have three kids and … Oh sorry, I'm thinking about Prince Valiant, I'm mixing my Arthurian legends with my rugby legends. But Victor has already been nabbed, I'm afraid.
Such confusion. There's no Thule like an old Thule.
Got the hots?
BIG TEX, A 52 feet tall (16m) cowboy dummy who has watched over the Texas State Fair for 60 years, has been destroyed by fire.
The flames quickly engulfed Big Tex's structure, leaving behind little more than a charred metal frame.
He was famous for his 75-gallon hat and 50lb belt buckle, and was a popular rendezvous for fairgoers. Fair officials have vowed to rebuild him. He was made mostly of fibreglass and clothed by a Texas fabric company.
The mystery is what caused the fire. Bystanders saw smoke suddenly pouring from his huge frame and next thing it was all over before firefighters could get there.
Maybe Big Tex suddenly got the hots for Dolly Parton.
Any old iron?
A BOSNIAN scrap metal dealer who specialised in stealing manhole covers has been caught cutting up an entire iron bridge over a river. Mile Jurosevic was arrested in the town of Brcko.
Does this sound familiar to us here in Durban? It was most far-sighted of them to build the Athlone Bridge, and others, out of concrete.
Tailpiece
"DADDY, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, sweetheart. Some begin with 'If I am elected at Mangaung …'"
Last word
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
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