The Idler Friday, March 13

Another

Big 'Un

Tomorrow

 

ONCE more unto the breach, dear friends … the Stormers tomorrow and nothing is more appropriate on an occasion such as this than the pep talk of that great rugby coach William Shakespeare, just before the Agincourt match.

When the blast of war blows in our ears,

Then imitate the action of the tiger;

Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,

Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;

Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;

Let pry through the portage of the head

Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it

As fearfully as doth a galled rock

O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,

Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.

Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,

Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit

To his full height ...

Yes, the Sharks came back from Down Under with their tails in the air, three wins out of four; then last week minced the Jaguares, who had themselves minced the Stormers. But, as we all know, projections from such outcomes are, in rugby, meaningless.

Tomorrow is the Big 'Un. Will all the spectacular build-up follow through? Of course it can, if attitudes are right. That will be determined on the turf of King's Park tomorrow. The skills are there – and spectacular they have been. Harness them and we're on the Hallelujah Trail.

Already the damsels of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties are strumming at their knickers in anticipation of supplying elastic for a fashioning of catapults for the traditional celebratory feu de joie in which the streetlights are shot out.

'Erewego, erewego, erewego!

 

 

Pythonesque

ECHOES of Monty Python's Flying Circus …the coronavirus pandemic prompts a piece that comes this way.

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to "Let's Get the  Bastard!" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline of the British army for the past 300 years.
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is Nato pulling out of Brussels.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No Worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled!" So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Russians have said: "It's not us."

 

Tailpiece

THE Loch Ness Monster squeezes into a Soho bar and orders a whisky at £8.

The barman says: "You're quite an unusual sight . We don't get many monsters in here."

"Aye. And the prices you charge, I'm no surprised."

Last word

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange. - Robin Morgan