Resourceful
Aussie fights
the pandemic
WHY is it that toilet roll is such a sought-after item in this coronavirus emergency, top of the hoarders' lists? Nobody has explained it.
And now an extreme case comes to light. Reader Simon Chetwynd-Palmer, of Kloof, says he was talking on the phone the other night to an acquaintance from days of yore – an old girl of St Mary's, Kloof, who now lives in the town of Busselton, in Western Australia.
She told him the town has run short of toilet rolls (hoarders, I'll bet!) in the Covid-19 crisis. Her husband – an eccentric retired airline pilot – has responded in a resourceful way. He's cut a large, circular hole in the seat of a canvas deck chair and placed it in the garden above a flower sprinkler. An Aussie douche.
"I guess in these times you have to be creative," says Simon.
Creative perhaps, but does this not conjure up all kinds of alarming alternative images to be attached to the geographical expression "Down Under"? The mind, senor, she boggles!
Spyker's day
RACONTEUR Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe) shares with us a day under lockdown.
"Did 7 000 paces inside Essenwood Mews … wouldn't recommend it as a tourist venue or for a Michelin Star …
"Still, mustn't grumble – it is self-catering and there is a decent stock/variety of Irish whiskey and plenty of ice.
"She of great intelligence left the empty frying pan on the stove with the gas flame going … she was a very hot number in her day … I have taken on stove duty AND washing up
"It's 9.43am … I am going to desanitise and go and watch the odd car pass by. I WILL wear a mask and a hard hat in case the mynahs poop on me.
"I will try to stay safe and keep it tidy until 10am … Casa Mia opening time."
Pithy explanation
THE why of the lockdown is explained.
"The virus doesn't move, people move it.
"We stop moving, the virus stops moving, the virus dies.
"It's that simple."
A pithy explanation indeed.
Excitement
A PLAINTIVE note comes this way.
"It''s Day Five of the lockdown. I have to put out the rubbish bins.
"I'm so excited, I don't know what clothes to wear."
Fiery sermon
RELIGIOUS gatherings are also in lockdown worldwide as Easter approaches. The internet is replacing gatherings of people. Both the Church of England and the Church of Scotland have now banned mass worship and are using social media platforms instead.
But in England a vicar accidentally set himself alight while recording a virtual sermon. Rev Stephen Beach, of St Budeaux Parish Church in Plymouth, set his jumper on fire as he got too close to some candles, according to Sky News. A fiery sermon, to be sure, but he was unharmed. It has caused great mirth in Anglican circles.
Tailpiece
AN-82 YEAR-OLD goes to the doctor for a check-up.
A few days later the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later he sees him again, alone, and says: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'''
"I didn't say that. I said: 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'''
Last word
A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humour, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. - Jessamyn West
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