The Idler, Monday, March 23, 2020

Washing

hands with

no water

 

THEY tell us to wash hands constantly as a measure against the coronavirus. Except that, as I write, my block of flats has had no water for 16 hours.

And it's not just the coronavirus. It's also one's appearance. Who wants to go about shaggy and unshaven?

I boiled up the tiny quantity of water left in the kettle; poured it into the basin; added ice blocks from the fridge. This provided a small quantity of water at approximately the right temperature. I shaved. We backwoodsmen are resourceful.

But tomorrow? Testing times indeed.

 

 

Crisis

 

Coronavirus briefs:

·       In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That's the Wurst Kase Scenario.

·       Mexico has had only one Covid-19 death, the US has had 155. There's a clamour in Mexico for the wall to be built.

·       A gent in Kalamata, Greece, says his biggest fear is not the coronavirus but staying at home with his wife.

·       Graffiti: "My hands have experienced more alcohol in three days than my liver has ever."

·       Library notice: "Please note: The Post-Apocalyptical Fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs."

 

 

Memory Lane

 

LAST week a reader asked what the point is of fashioning catapults from the knicker elastic of the damsels of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties, then shooting out the streetlights in a feu de joie, when Eskom has ensured that the lights are not burning anyway?

The debate prompts Ian Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, into a trip down Memory Lane, this time in prose.

"All this chatter about knicker elastic reminds me of my grandmother's reaction when someone announced that Tobruk had fallen.

"Grabbing her waist she exclaimed: 'Heavens above, I've just got new ones. Must be the elastic these days.'

"Her son, meanwhile, (would that have been Ian's dad?) was with a South African anti-tank regiment at the time of the campaign against Rommel."

 

 

Milligan

 

THE above recalls the title of one of Spike Milligan's books about World War II, where Milligan was a gunner in the artillery: Rommel? Gunner Who?

This followed his earlier blockbuster, Adolf Hitler: My Part In His Downfall.

 

Solitude

 

DURBAN poet Sarita Mathur pens some lines with a bearing on the current trend toward self-isolation.
Solitude is not feeling lonely ,
It's actually about enjoying
One's own company.
Blissfully unaware of the world and its cares,
While for yourself,
Your soul is bare.
Hidden ideas and thoughts:
Dreams - which cannot be bought.
In the languid state of solitude
They translate into Reality.
Solitude is good for your personality.

 

Gig postponed

 

ALAS, another victim of the shutdown to ward off Covid-19 – local band Salty Dog have had to temporarily call off their charity gig in aid of Project Bene, which raises funds for people needing prosthetic limbs.

It was to have been at Musketeers, Westville, on Saturday, but would have fallen foul of the ban on gatherings of 100 people or more. The prospect of dancing cheek to cheek with band personality Smelly Fellows would in itself have brought the female attendance into the thousands.

Smelly says the gig will be on as soon as the All Clear is given. Meanwhile, people wanting to donate prizes for the raffles can still do so by contacting Maureen at 073-572414.

 

 

 

Tailpiece

 

HOW do you tell when a bagpipe is out of tune? When someone's blowing into it.

 

Last word

 

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. - Jean Giraudoux