The Idler, Tuesday, September 30, 2014

We all stand together

JEREMIAH was a bullfrog … A new entertainment has presented itself at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties.

It began the other evening when a well-known local advocate was chatting at a table out in the beer garden, taking advantage of the foretaste of summer evenings. Suddenly his silken discourse transformed itself into a series of loud, rolling croaks.

People were astonished. But actually the advocate was sitting directly in front of a small pond where a bullfrog suddenly gave song in a deep, bellowing bass, drowning out the human voice. This frog was something of a ventriloquist.

Then he was joined by other frogs in various pitches – baritone, tenor – swelling into a magnificent chorus so that people could not make themselves heard.

Those who know the Street Shelter and its level of conversation might say this is no bad thing. But there was dissatisfaction at this cacophony. Where had these frogs come from? The pond has been there for years, but nary a frog until now.

Next thing a waitress was out there, pelting the frogs with cubes of ice. That shut them up for a bit. But only for a bit. Soon they were back, a swelling chorus.

There's a limit to how much ice you can throw at frogs. Also, you don't want to disturb the balance of nature. Throw too much ice in the pond and next thing it'll be infested with penguins.

Then it was the turn of waiters with buckets. Every time the chorus started up, in they would go, scooping the frogs out to be released in open land not far away. We counted 14 being taken captive over the evening, some of them huge critters.

But these frogs obviously have strong homing instincts. It was a losing battle.

What is the answer? They could hire a French chef and put them on the menu, but that would be extreme. It seems a summer of frog music lies ahead. Maybe they can synthesise it with what comes over the sound system.

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea,

Joy to you and me.

 

Travel   A READER shares his travel plans: "I've been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.   "I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there. "I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I've made several trips, thanks to my children, friends and work. "I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity any more. "I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. "I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. "Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. "One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. "I may have been in Continent. It's an age thing, I can't remember. They tell me it's very wet and damp there."

Missing Kim

WHERE is Kim Jong-un ("The Young 'Un"), strongman dictator of North Korea? The BBC reports that he hasn't been seen out and about for some time, and the last time he was he was limping badly.

In places like North Korea, this always causes wild speculation.

Maybe he's gone undercover to Glasgow to cheer up the Scottish nationalists whose cause he espoused in the referendum.

Tailpiece

 

A BLONDE is belting along in her little red sportscar when she's flagged down by a blonde police officer.

 

"Can I see your driver's licence please?"

 

The blonde driver scrabbles about in her handbag. "What does it look like?"

 

"It's square and it has your picture in it."

 

The blonde driver finds a small, square mirror and looks into it. "Oh, here it is." She hands the mirror to the blonde cop.

 

The blonde cop looks into it then hands it back to the blonde driver.

 

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were also a cop."

 

Last word

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

Charles M Schulz