The Idler, Thursday, October 27, 2014

Here is a fetcher

A DINOSAUR mystery that had baffled palaeontologists for 50 years has at last been solved. 

In the 1960s researchers unearthed two gigantic dinosaur arms. The forearm portion alone 

was 2.4m and tipped with three giant claws.

They named this strange creature Deinocheirus mirificus, which means "unusual, horrible 

hands" (the kind you find in any rugby club, often arm-wrestling at the bar).

And for decades scientists speculated as to what the rest of the beast looked like.

Now two complete skeletons have been discovered in Mongolia. And the scientists are 

gobsmacked. They variously describe it as "weird beyond imagination", "freaking weird", 

"bizarre" and "shocking".

Deinocheirus mirificus weighed six tons and had an elongated head with a duck-like beak 

and a large humped sail on its back. Its legs were short and stumpy. Its feet were very large 

which would have prevented it sinking into the boggy wetlands. The strong arms would have 

been to scoop up herbaceous material from the lagoons. It would have been slow-moving.

With respect, these palaeontologists have led sheltered lives. They can't have played 

much rugby because these features very closely describe the forwards some of us have 

encountered during our careers.

It's so frustrating that these creatures have gone extinct. Unusual, horrible hands and 

forearms - Deinocheirus mirificus sounds just what Heyneke Meyer is looking for as a fetcher 

in the World Cup next year.

Quaint figure

THE Serjeant-at-arms is a quaint ceremonial figure of Westminster democracy who carries the mace 

into parliament as a symbol of the authority of the crown.

When called upon to do so by the Speaker, he will escort an MP from the chamber at the point of his 

sword, usually for ignoring the Speaker's order to leave.

This is so even in democracies such as our own, which are republics but retain the Westminster 

tradition.

In Canada, Serjeant-at-arms Kevin Vickers is credited with shooting dead the gunman who was 

running amok in the parliament building in Ottawa, just outside a room where Prime Minister 

Stephen Harper was in a meeting. So the post is not quite as quaint and ceremonial as people had 

supposed.

Serjeant-at-arms Vickers is a former officer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The Mountie gets 

his man.

New words

LINDA Nel sends in some new words resulting from a Washington Post competition in 

which readers were invited to take a word from the dictionary and add, subtract or change 

one letter to get a new meaning:

• Cashtration - The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent 

for an indefinite period of time.

• Glibido - All talk and no action.

• Beelzebug - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in 

the morning and cannot be cast out.

• Caterpallor - The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

• Decafalon - The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that 

are good for you.

• Intaxicaton - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your 

money to start with.

• Osteopornosis - A degenerate disease.

• Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

• Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't 

get it.

• Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Cartoon strips

WOULD anyone like a collection of cartoon strips clipped from the newspapers over many years and 

categorised?

Sheila Swanepoel has been using them to make her own Christmas and birthday cards, but she no 

longer has the time.

The collection now runs into thousands of clippings – Garfield, Hagar, Peanuts, Tiger, Calvin & 

Hobbs, Andy Capp, The Far Side, Herman, The Wizard of Id and dozens more, all categorised to fit 

in with birthdays, Christmas, weight issues, Easter, holidays, school, relationships, camping, office, 

medical, food and so forth.

She would like to see the collection used somehow. She doesn't want to be paid but would 

appreciate a donation to Tafta or some such cause.

•

"

Tailpiece

First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem.""What?""Never 

mind.""What's the problem?""Nothing.""Please tell us.""You KNOW what the 

problem is."

Last word

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our 

Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.

Edward P Tryon