Durban legal hopscotch

THE spring rains – a month late as they are – have quickened the tempo of a 

spectacle that promises to become Durban's latest tourist attraction.

This is Legal Hopscotch, a phenomenon to be observed as the advocates of the city 

dance and skip their way along the Esplanade every morning in their gowns and 

bibs, clutching their briefs and holding their noses, as they make their way from their 

chambers to the high court. It can be most comical.

M'learned friends tell me the legal intricacies of the courtroom are nothing when 

compared with the intricacies of dodging the sewage and other filth that issues from 

the manholes and gratings of the Esplanade these days, and making it to court in a 

presentable state.

Gasmasks are likely soon to add an exotic touch. It sure beats the Old Bailey.

Lesslessness

TOM Dennen says we live in an age of lesslessness: Phones – wireless; cooking – fireless; 

cars – keyless; food – fatless; tyres –tubeless; dress – sleeveless; youth – jobless; leaders – 

shameless; relationships – meaningless; attitudes – careless; babies – fatherless; feelings – 

heartless; education – valueless; children – mannerless; country – Godless; 

"We are speechless. Parliament is clueless. Our president is worthless. And I'm scared 

witless."

Mistake

A HOUSEWIFE spotted a crocodile in her back garden in Plymouth, England. It was a young 

croc – about 1m in length – and she called the police.

The Devon and Cornwall police and wildlife experts from Dartmoor Zoo approached 

cautiously. The croc remained motionless. A constable threw a bucket of water over it. Still it 

didn't move. And only then did they realise it was a very realistic inflatable toy.

The woman who called them is now "absolutely mortified and embarrassed".

But it's a mistake anyone can make. The other night at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties 

I attempted conversation for about 20 minutes with an absolute smasher of a girl sitting in the 

corner, only to discover she was a blow-up doll and the property of the barman.

Locked in

AN AMERICAN tourist spent two hours locked in a bookshop in London. David Willis 

had been upstairs using the internet at Waterstones, in Trafalgar Square. When he went 

downstairs to leave, all the lights were out and the doors were locked.

He posted messages about his plight on Twitter, and they went viral. He was hashtagged 

"The Waterstones One". Eventually the police and a Waterstones employee arrived and he 

was let out.

Such experiences can be upsetting. Two of my colleagues were once locked into a London 

pub by mistake. It was in the days that English pubs closed at 2pm sharp, then re-opened at 

5pm.

By the time the landlord unlocked again at 5pm, these two were so distraught they could 

barely stand.

Another Zorba

DEVLYN Fraser, of Umkomaas, sends in another Zorba: "I used to be schizophrenic, 

but now we are not."

Tafta

READER Naomi Wakefield wonders where we got that picture we featured last week of 

herself flying on a broomstick across the face of the moon, practising for Halloween.

She also informs me that Tafta (The Association For The Aged) are about to bring out a 

calendar that has a group of belly-dancer gals, who call themselves The Revellers, peeping 

out from behind a banner proclaiming "The Full Monty".

Hey, Tafta is where it's at!

Tailpiece

AN IRISH pirate walks into a bar.

The barman greets him: "Hey, I haven't seen you in here for a while. 

What happened? You look badly beat up."

"What do yez mean? Oi'm fine."  

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."  

"Well, we wuz in a battle and I got hit wit a cannon ball, but I'm foine now."  

"Well what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"It wuz anudder battle. Oi boarded a ship and got in a cutlass foight. My 

hand was cut off. I got fitted wit a hook." 

"What about that eye patch?"  

"Well dat was when one day a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one 

of dem pooped in me eye." 

"You're kidding! How could you lose an eye that way?"

"It wuz me first day wit de hook."

Last word

The true delight is in the finding out rather than in the knowing.

Isaac Asimov