He looks familiar

DO YOU ever get that start of recognition when you visit an aquarium? The giant wrasses and bream that come 

gliding past the viewing window look so much like human beings you've encountered. Usually stern, disagreeable 

human beings – schoolmasters, bank managers – not strippers or go-go dancers.

So it is with the species posted on the internet by an organisation calling itself the Ugly Animal Preservation 

Society, which seeks to protect the less glamorous creatures. When you look at the Proboscis Monkey – who has 

an enormous nose – he's instantly recognisable. You feel you've had dealings with him somewhere. Maybe down 

at the tax offices; maybe playing the trumpet at a gig. Somewhere.

The Society posts eight creatures. Besides the Proboscis Monkey there's: the Aye-aye (nothing to do with the 

navy, he's a Madagascan lemur with staring green eyes); the Visayan Warty Pig; the Naked Mole Rat; the 

Humphead Wrasse; the Giant Titicaca Lake Frog; the Pacific Hagfish; and the Purple Pignose Frog.

Again, that eerie sense of recognition. And then you realise – this could be the bar counter at the Street Shelter 

for the Over-Forties.

'Own try'

AN ASTONISHING rugby refereeing decision Down Under this was.

In rugby there's no equivalent to football's "own goal". If you dot the ball down behind your own line it's either a 

22m drop-out or, if your side carried it over, a 5m scrum to the opposition.

Yet in this match in Australia between Sydney Stars and North Harbour Rays, a Rays forward stole the ball in a 

maul near his own tryline then placed it back – over the line.

Presumably he was laying it back for his scrumhalf, not realising the line was that close. The referee was 

unsighted and appealed to the TMO, who went on to award a try.

Holy mackerel! Rugby's first-ever "own try". How do they put that one down in the records? Very embarrassing.

Mind you, referees do improvise. In days of yore, a flyhalf from the Free State came to play for us at Maritzburg 

Collegians and he told the story of a club match up there where an opposing lock forward was quite spoiling the 

scrums with bouts of flatulence. The referee warned him: "Once more and it'll be a penalty!"

Again the scrum broke up in disorder and recrimination. The ref blew hard and indicated the penalty. Our flyhalf 

friend started placing the ball for a shot at goal.

"No, no!" said the ref. "No poles for a poep!"

He had to kick it into touch. Own tries ... illegal flatulence ... a game of infinite subtleties and possibilities is 

rugby. The Sharks needed a bit of that last Saturday. Nothing else seemed to help.

Non-try

WHICH recalls an incident in one of the lower leagues in Durban some years ago. Referees were given stamped 

and addressed envelopes which they used to post in details to the rugby sub-union of the club games they'd 

handled.

This ref gave the result of a third division match as 2-0. When the sub-union contacted him to point out that 

a score of two is impossible in rugby, he explained: "I awarded this try. It was a bit scrappy. Driving home 

afterwards, I had second thoughts. But there was nothing wrong with the conversion."

Exploitation

NEWS FROM Canada. THE Department of Employment in Newfoundland, 

was investigating a boat owner/operator. It sent an agent to interview him.

Agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. I pay him $200 a week 

plus free board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 

18 hours a day and does about 90 percent of the work.

"He makes about $10 a week, pays his own board and I buy him a bottle 

of rum every Saturday night so he can cope. He also gets to sleep with my 

wife occasionally".

Agent: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat owner: "That'll be me. What do you want to know?"

Tailpiece

A LITTLE old man shuffles slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulls 

himself slowly, painfully up on to a stool.

After catching his breath, he orders a banana split.

The waitress (kindly): "Crushed nuts?"

He replies: "No, arthritis."

Last word

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.

B F Skinner