The Idler, Friday, October 10

Kogi and the gang

 

IN PROMPT response to Wednesday's column expressing scepticism about the giving of names to cats, I receive a message of debunkment from Mary Ann Grafetsberger and Kogi, Buddy, Panda, Toffee, Bobby, Muffin, Cheeky, Nunu, Mickey and Noddy.

 

Mary Ann, you may recall, is Durban's doughty defender of the rights and interests of vervet monkeys. She also feeds feral cats at Medwood Gardens and shares her home with Kogi, Buddy and the rest of the gang.

 

She says naming a cat gives it an identity.

 

"Cats know their names very well in fact and don't really like the "psssst, psssst" thing at all, it's like saying: 'Hey you!' to someone.

 

She says she's even named some of the feral cats at Medwood Gardens. Passers-by think she's daft as she stands there talking to the shrubbery, but then out saunters a cat.

 

It seems I'm outvoted on this. Mary Ann, Kogi, Buddy, Panda, Toffee, Bobby, Muffin, Cheeky, Nunu, Mickey and Noddy have numbers on their side.

 

Smart cards

 

IT'S gratifying to see that when Sharks CEO John Smit and various music and radio celebrities got their ID smart cards at the Home Affairs offices in Commercial Street, it took just 15 minutes. Also, Home Affairs Minister Malusi Gigaba was there in person to wish them well.

 

When I went to those offices in May, hoping to get a smart card ID to vote in the elections, I was told I would have to be there at 6.30am, when the first 200 people would be taken from the queue to go inside for smart card processing which would last most of the day. (I went instead to Umgeni Road for a temporary ID which required only five and a half hours of queuing, from 8.30 am).

 

Things have obviously speeded up considerably in Commercial Street.

 

Flags

 

BLUE flags are being awarded for beaches up and down the coast. What sort of flag will they hoist for the nudist beach at Mpenjati?

 

I guess a writhing dragon. That seems a body tattoo much in favour these days.

 

A bit late

 

DIALOGUE with a London cabbie:

 

"Waterloo please."

 

"The station?"

 

"Well I'm a bit late for the battle, aren't I?"

 

Proverbs

 

A TEACHER presented each of the six-year-olds in her class with the first half of a well-known proverb, for completion. The results: ·         Don't change horses … until they stop running. ·         Strike while the … bug is close. ·         It's always darkest before … daylight saving time. ·         Never underestimate the power of … termites. ·         You can lead a horse to water but … how? ·         Don't bite the hand that … looks dirty. ·         No news is … impossible. ·         A miss is as good as … Mr. ·         You can't teach an old dog new … maths. ·         If you lie down with dogs you'll … stink in the morning. ·         Love all, trust … me. ·         The pen is mightier than the … pigs. ·         Where there's smoke there's … pollution. ·         Happy the bride who … gets all the presents. ·         A penny saved is … not much. ·         Two's company, three's … the Musketeers. ·         Don't put off 'til tomorrow … what you put on to go to bed. ·         Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose. ·         There are none so blind as … Stevie Wonder. ·         Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded. ·         If at first you don't succeed … get new batteries. ·         You get out of something only what you … see in the picture on the box. ·         When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way. ·         A bird in the hand … is going to poop on you. ·         Better late than … pregnant. That last kid must surely have an older sister. Tailpiece Doctor: "What's your daily physical activity level?" Patient: "Well, yesterday afternoon I took a five-hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. It left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Doctor: "You must be one heck of an outdoors man." Patient: "No, just an average golfer." Last word The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums. G K Chesterton