Zimbabwean crusty pie
FOUR Chinese nationals face deportation from Zimbabwe for killing and eating more than 40 rare tortoises
Animal welfare officials found the skeletal remains of 40 endangered Bell's Hinged Tortoises, in a raid on the men's house. They had apparently been dropped alive into boiling water.
It's the kind of thing that's happened in Zimbabwe before, of course. There was the fellow who won a tortoise playing darts in the Mazoe pub. When he won again next night, the barman presented him with a goldfish in a bowl.
"What's this?" he said. "Why not another of those meat pies with the hard crust?"
Icy crawl
AN UNIDENTIFIED man has been photographed crawling in his underpants across the frozen River Stour in Essex, England, to rescue his Jack Russell terrier that had fallen through the ice.
Both ended up in the freezing water but the owner managed to rescue the dog. Then he dressed again on the riverbank and strolled off with his mutt.
A touching little story. I happen to know the River Stour; it runs into the North Sea at a place called Manningtree. I bet I know where man and dog thawed out – a pub on the edge of the village (still on the Stour estuary) called The Skinners Arms. Nice and snug, I've thawed out there myself on occasion.
Euro-business
THIS Eurozone crisis and the Greek bail-out are probably getting a bit beyond most of us. But fortunately British satirical magazine Private Eye gives us a succinct rundown, written by "Our Economics Expert, Hugh Nose."
"What happens is very simple. Britain is asked by its EU partners to lend £19 billion to help bail out Greece which cannot pay its debts to various banks.
"Britain replies that it has no intention of lending the money because it is not a member of the Eurozone. So the EU partners go to their friend Mrs Lagarde who runs the IMF and get her to ask Britain for the money, a request which Britain cannot refuse.
"Britain of course doesn't have any money because it is very seriously in debt itself. So in order to raise the money for the IMF it has to borrow the £19 billion from various banks, thus putting itself even further in debt.
"When the IMF has received the money, it will lend the money to the Greek government so that it can give it all to various banks. Thus the crisis will be resolved for another few days and all the bankers will be happy.
"But then they will notice that the Greek government, having borrowed £19 billion, is even more in debt than before, and even less able to pay it back to the IMF.
"So the IMF will not have the £19 billion to pay it back to Britain, which will not therefore be able to pay it back to various banks from which it had been borrowed.
"The bankers will naturally be very cross and will insist to Mrs Lagarde that the IMF must bail out Britain so that they can get their money back.
"The IMF then approaches Greece at the suggestion of the EU, to ask for a loan to bail out Britain.
"The Greeks naturally respond to this by … (This is quite obviously rubbish, can't you come up with something more plausible? Ed)
(No, nor can anyone else – HN).
Oh dear, what hope?
Tailpiece
TWO FINE southern ladies are on the front porch having iced tea. One sticks out her hand and says in her slow southern drawl: "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well, sweetheart, doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh, when we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?"
"Well, you see, before when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would've just said: 'Sonofabitch! Who gives a rat's ass?' Now I say: 'That's nice, that's real nice.'"
Last word
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
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