Be my Valentine!
YES, IT'S THE day for red roses and candlelit dinners, the day some of us have to fight them off with a stick. It's the day squirrels give each other forget-me-nuts; the day the boy snake says to the girl snake: "Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey!"
Yes, the romantic stirs in every one of us. Which is why I was profoundly shocked to walk into a post office last Friday to see a short, fat, balding, middle-aged man with a pile of pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He was sticking on "Love" stamps.
Fair enough. Some of us have a hectic schedule. But then he took from his pocket a bottle of Chanel perfume and began spraying them with it. Chanel, you'll note, not something male like Eau de Bluemottle or Weightlifter's Armpit.
"What gives?" I asked.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," he said. "I'm sending out 500 of these Valentines signed 'Guess who?'"
Male readers are invited to clip this for handy reference.
Taxpayer query
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener asks in his latest grumpy newsletter if any fellow-taxpayers have had word yet from the Free State Health Department about the laboratory test they were to carry out on the condoms ordered for the ANC centenary celebrations.
"It was never explained why it was appropriate, or even necessary, for the state to provide a million of these johnnies for the party shindig in Bloemfontein. However it was revealed that they were suspected of being sub-standard. Hence the scheduling of a lab test and my interest in finding out if I paid for sub-standard goods."
The Falklands
HOW TURNS the wheel. Back in the early 1980s the British government withdrew the warship HMS Endurance from its South Atlantic patrol. This sent a signal to the Argentinian military junta (or so they thought), and next thing they had invaded the Falkland Islands and a desperate seaborne struggle ensued to dislodge them.
Now the Cameron government have scrapped the aircraft carrier HMS Ark Royal and will have to wait 10 years for her to be replaced.
Guess what? As the 30th anniversary of the Falklands conflict approaches, tensions are rising again. The Ark Royal decision looks barmier than ever.
Then and now
A FRIEND who has retired from the US state department tells how, based in Argentina in the build-up to the Falklands, he and his colleagues tried desperately to warn the Galtieri regime not to miscalculate.
But the British had just elected a woman as prime minister, the macho Argentines laughed. In vain did my pal try to explain that Margaret Thatcher might be a woman but she had formidable cojones.
What would the state department argue today? That Cameron is not just a shiny holograph, he's a mean machine and kickboxer? Not easy.
Escaped rhino
FOOTAGE has emerged of more than 100 zoo staff, police and paramedics netting and tranquillising an escaped rhino in Tokyo. During the melee, one worker was attacked and knocked down and had to be rescued by his colleagues.
But it was not quite real-life drama. It was a drill and the rhino itself was made of papier mache with two men inside, like a pantomime horse.
The Japanese do need some advice from our rangers. A real rhino just doesn't respond to people gathering round and prodding it with sticks the way this pantomime rhino did. Better to climb a tree and think about it. And climb fast!
Tsetse factor
SCIENTISTS in Hungary and Sweden say there could be reasons besides camouflage for the zebra's stripes. They might also discourage blood-sucking tsetse flies.
Exhaustive tests have shown that flies are reluctant to bite black and white-striped hides. It seems it's got something to do with the pattern of reflected light, which confuses them.
It's interesting that scientists in far-off countries such as Hungary and Sweden should concern themselves at all with zebras and tsetse flies. I wonder if they've heard of the theory that zebras wear stripes because they're hoping to be selected for the local football side?
Tailpiece
MACTAGGART and the wee wife walk past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did ye smell that food?" she says. "Incredible!"
MacTaggart decides to himself: "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So he walks her past again.
Last word
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
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