Blame it on Lloyd Webber
Tyger tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night ...
A CARNIVORE now dubbed the "wild cat of Woodchester" has struck again in Gloucestershire, England. The mutilated carcass of a second roe deer has been found near the rural village, this time by a woman walking her dog.
She went home to get her camera but by the time she got back the carcass had all but disappeared – eaten by whatever had made the kill. Scary that. It must have been watching her from wherever it was hidden.
Now a photograph has been produced of a black, panther-like creature in a field in the nearby county of Wiltshire. A woman has reported seeing a similar "black panther" near Woodchester; a man has reported seeing it seven times and another man has reported something similar – except his sighting was white, "almost like a polar bear."
Panthers, pumas, cougars, jaguars, leopards, polar bears – what's going on in the gentle shires of England? Andrew Lloyd Webber has something to answer for.
Hunting cats?
COULD it be that the "big cats" of Gloucestershire and Wiltshire are the descendants of poachers' hunting cats?
I once knew a poacher in deepest Suffolk who had a huge male cat, about the size of a Staffordshire bull terrier and striped like the cat in the Garfield cartoons. Mick had trained him to go down rabbit burrows and fetch, which he did with fearsome zest.
Mick was a free spirit. He'd never been to school, he'd never done national service. The government didn't know he existed, which meant he couldn't draw the dole either.
But he was a crack shot with a .22 airgun and a 410 shotgun and made a living poaching pheasants and rabbits, supplying the local pubs and hotels. Here he met various chambermaids and serving wenches, on whom he sired a string of illegitimate children.
My hypothesis is that his cat could have been doing the same, which would account for the "big cats" of Gloucestershire and Wiltshire.
Strains of humanity and the animal kingdom about which the modern nanny state knows nothing – it's a reassuring thought.
Big dig
THIEVES spent about six months digging a 30m tunnel under a building in Greater Manchester, England, to steal from a cash machine which police say had in it "limited funds."
They started their tunnel in a railway embankment behind a shop, went under a car park and then under the foundations of the building. The 1.5m high passageway had been fitted with lighting and roof supports.
After digging directly under the cash machine, the thieves cut through more than 15 inches of concrete to steal its contents before escaping back down the tunnel.
It seems they didn't get away with much. A waste of time and effort. But at least it kept them off the streets.
Full circle
OF COURSE, banks keep very close tabs on what they've got in their ATM machines. They watch with a hawk eye for any kind of irregularity or anomaly because it could be part of a larger picture of criminality.
There was a case in Johannesburg some years ago when ATMs were first introduced. A bank discovered that at a machine in Hillbrow, cash was being withdrawn at night, then deposited again a few hours later – the same serial number notes into the same ATM.
Weird. They set up a surveillance operation.
It turned out a hooker was operating from a nearby block of flats. Her clients would draw money and pay a visit. Then she'd go out and deposit the takings, back in the same machine.
Panic over. A normal night in Hillbrow..
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HELP starve a feeding bureaucrat!
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Last word
Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.
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