Buddy, can you paradigm?
LET'S run this up the flagpole and see who salutes. Just so long as we tick all the boxes, brainstorm the thing and come out smelling of roses. Think outside the box, that's the key. But never forget the elephant in the room.
Where does all this absurd business-babble come from? A theory is that it originates with professional workshoppers – organisers of gung-ho gatherings where the most horrible cliches are cobbled together at the close of three days or so of vacuous discussion on just about any topic.
Workshoppers are people who have absolutely nothing to do with engineering or associated crafts. They are there to talk and build good vibes. They use the word as a verb: "We need to workshop this …"
It's a world-wide phenomenon. Writing in the Sydney Morning Herald, performance coach Andrew May produces some absolute beauties:
· Let's stir-fry that in the ideas wok."
· There's no I in TEAM.
· Pick the low hanging fruit.
· You're on my radar."
· Let's socialise that document.
· Let's take this offline.
· Let's take an ideas shower.
· Let's give it 110 percent.
· Let's push the envelope.
· This needs 2.0 Thinking.
"The bottom line at the end of the day is I'd like a win-win situation and to get inside your head and incentivise you to think outside the box and touch base with me by providing your value-added proposition on the best paradigm shifts you've heard of late."
Yes, quite. Buddy, can you paradigm?
How do they express that 2.0 thinking thing? Do they say: "Two point nought"? "Two dot zero"? I'll take a raincheck on that one.
G-spot
SCIENTISTS have at last identified what is known as a woman's G-spot. It's located at the end of the word s-h-o-p-p-i-n-g.
Rugby in schools
IT'S COMMENDABLE that the KZN Rugby Union is to focus on schools that don't offer rugby as a sport – and especially those that once did but have since slid away – to get youngsters playing. That's the way to get representivity in the game – from the very bottom. The rest then flows naturally.
A next step should be to boost club rugby, make playing the club game really attractive to school-leavers. This is good in itself and it would vastly increase the pool of talent for provincial and national selections.
When it comes to slide-away schools, Durban Girls' College needs attention. Wally Clarkson and Pat Lyster (both old boys of the Girls' College Kindergarten in the 1920s) played for the Springboks in 1937. Since then there's been nothing of note.
Drive past Girls' College and you see girls in hockey kit, girls in netball kit – but none in rugby kit. There are no scrumming machines on the sportsfields, no "tackling man" contraptions. Very slack.
With Patrick Lambie now a Springbok, Michaelhouse are catching up fast. Durban Girls' College needs the rugby union's urgent attention.
A TRAFFIC officer flags down a woman driver. "Ma'am you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
"I don't have one."
"Don't have one?"
"I lost it for drinking."
"I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I don't have them. I stole this car and hacked up the owner. His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see."
The officer slowly retreats and radios for back-up. Next thing five police vehicles are circling. A senior officer cautiously approaches, clasping his half-drawn gun.
"Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please? One of my men told me that you've stolen this car and murdered the owner. Could you please open the boot of your car?.
She opens the boot. It's empty
"Is this your car, Ma'am"?
"Yes, here are my registration papers."
"One of my men claims you don't have a driver's licence.
She takes a driver's licence out of her bag and hands it over.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. One of my men reported that you don't have a licence, you stole this car and you murdered the owner."
"I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!"
Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
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