It's the Pienk Bulle
THE 2012 rugby season starts tonight And dominating the pre-match analysis is the news that the Blue Bulls will be playing their away matches this season in pink. How this transpired is a matter for conjecture. It seems unlikely the Loftus faithful – the "kenners", as they are known – were consulted.
The Bulls will be in their traditional blue tonight for their opening fixture against our chaps which will be just as well all round. Imagine how shocked the faithful would be at the sight of their heroes prancing about in pink. How demoralised the players themselves would be. And how our own fellows could be paralysed with laughter.
The thing is doing the rounds on the internet, of course. The name of the ground has been changed to Moftus Versveld. The name of the team has been officially changed to Die Pienk Bulle.
Reader George Enslin, of Ramsgate, sends in an account of other changes at Loftus.
· One lucky season ticket holder will win a free make-over during half-time of each match.
· Fans will no longer be allowed to braai before kick-off. Instead, fondue stations will be available for snacks.
· The beer tent will no longer sell beer but a wide variety of fruity drinks will be available.
· The trompoppies, or dancing girls, will be replaced by a French poodle parade.
· Man of the match will receive not a cheque but a subscription to Home and Garden magazine.
· The yellow card area will no longer be referred to as the sin bin, it will now be the temper tantrum tank.
· The new mascot will be Lady the French Poodle.
· Those dangerous horned helmets will be exchanged for more appropriate silk scarves.
A penny for the thoughts of the kenners.
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Collectors' item
MEANWHILE, as the season begins, reader Dick Pope, of Durban North, sends in a collectors' item: the tour itinerary of the 1951 tour of Britain and France by Basil Kenyon's Springboks.
It's been meticulously filled in. The one match lost – the Boks went down 9-11 against London Counties at Twickenham; the famous 44-0 drubbing of Scotland at Murrayfield; wins against Ireland (17-5), Wales (6-3) and England (8-3).
This was the Boks' most successful tour ever. Sadly though, Kenyon suffered a serious eye injury in only the third match (against Pontypool and Newbridge) which put him out of rugby for good. But it did bring to the fore his replacement eighth man, Hennie Muller, the Windhond.
Them were the days.
Springbok ciggies
DICK also asks if I remember Springbok cigarettes? I do indeed. They were oval in shape, plain and very strong. I remember them mainly though for an incident in which they made an appearance in a manner reminiscent of the Old Testament account of manna from heaven in the wilderness.
A friend and I had been trout fishing in the Little Mooi at Nottingham Road. We'd caught a few, we'd braaied a couple for lunch but somehow the one packet of cigarettes we had between us had ended up in the drink. (We smoked in those days – everyone did – though you couldn't pay me to do it today).
As we walked back that evening, we longed for a fag. But there was nothing doing. We walked on. We were walking through some tall papyrus-type reeds, when suddenly we noticed something up in the fronds. Dozens of Springbok cigarettes were scattered there, caught up in the fronds. This was astounding, something like that Old Testament story. But why were we being favoured in this way?
As we lit up, we considered. The farm manager, we knew, smoked Springbok. But how had his cigarettes come to be scattered here for us?
Later investigation revealed that his box of 50 Springbok had indeed flown out of the window of the Land Rover and been carried away by the wind. His loss, our gain. The age of miracles is not past.
Tailpiece
YOU'RE trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a basketball fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
You shoot the basketball fan - twice.
Last word
If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
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