The trenches and the cavalry
ON TV THE other night there was a panel discussion on rugby. It was a high-powered panel containing former international players from various countries.
Then a viewer phoned in. "Why have you got no forwards on your panel? Why have you only got girlie threequarters?"
It caused a bit of mirth. But in truth there can be tension between the men in the trenches and those waiting out there with the cavalry. Now my colleague, former Durban sports scribe Mike McGrath – currently working in Hong Kong – sends in this account of the evolution of the game.
"It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game of rugby that in the very early days it started off purely as a contest for forwards, in opposition in line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls.
"This pitted eight men of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence in packs against one another.
"In those days, the winner was the pack that had gained most set pieces. The debasement of the game began when backs were introduced. This occurred because a major problem was where to locate the next scrum or line-out. Selecting positions on the ground for these had become a constant source of friction.
"The problem was resolved through a stratagem of employing forward rejects, men of small stature and limited intelligence, to select positions on the field from where, when in receipt of the ball, they could be guaranteed to drop it in a random pattern but usually as far from the last set piece as possible. Initially these additional players were entirely unorganised but with the passing of time they adopted positions.
"For instance, the scrumhalf: he was usually the smallest and least intelligent of the backs whose role was simply to accept the ball and pass it on. He could easily (given his general size) have been called a quarter-forward or a ball monkey but the present inoffensive description was decided upon.
"The fly-half plays next to the scrumhalf and his role is essentially the same except that, when pressured, he usually panics and kicks the ball. Normally he is somewhat taller and slightly better built than the scrumhalf, hence his name. One-eighth less and he would have been a scrumhalf, three-eighths more and he might well have qualified to become a forward.
"The centres were opportunists who had no specific role but were attracted to the game by the glamour associated with forward packs. After repeated supplication for a role in the game they would be told to get out in the middle and wait for the ball. Asked where they played, they would reply "in the centre". And there they remain, opportunists and scroungers, making excuses for bad hands and errant play.
"You may ask: Why wingers? The answer is simple. Originally these were players who had very little ability. They were placed far from the ball and were rarely given the opportunity to even touch it. This led to an incessant flow of complaints and the eventual apt description "whingers" – a name which adapted.
"Lastly, the fullback. This was the position given to the person least able to accept or pass the ball, someone always in the way. The call would come:"Send that fool back!" and he would be relegated to the rear of the field.
"So there you have it. The fact is that if a side does not have eight men of statuesque physique, of supreme fitness and superior intelligence, they might as well play soccer."
As a former scrumhalf, I take strong exception to parts of this. (But there's a great deal of truth in the bits about the handling and other abilities of centres and wingers).
Tailpiece
A SHY YOUNG fellow sees a beautiful girl sitting alone in a bar. He screws up courage and asks if he can sit with her.
She responds loudly: "No! I don't want to sleep with you!"
The bar goes quiet and everyone stares. He slinks away.
Then the girl walks across and says: "I'm sorry, I'm a psychology student and I'm doing case studies in how people react to embarrassing situations."
He (loudly): "R3 000? For one night? You're crazy!"
The bar goes quiet and everyone stares.
Last word
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice-president.
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