Mouthful of cash
THEY say that if you want to sound really posh, you need to speak English as though you have a mouthful of marbles. Could it be that loose change has the same effect?
When former Welsh and British Lions rugby star JPR Williams was asked to blow into a breathalyser recently, the police found he had coins in his mouth which they asked him to remove.
The prosecutor told a court in Wales that Williams – an orthopaedic surgeon – had the mistaken belief that the coins, three copper pennies, would interfere with the breathalyser readings. (The poshness or otherwise of his speech was not mentioned).
Williams, who played fullback for Wales in the 1970s and for the Lions in their victorious tour of South Africa in 1974, admitted driving while over the limit and was fined £380 and banned from driving for 17 months.
The case recalls a former Natal winger (of pre World War II vintage) who had the habit, when leaving Maritzburg Collegians late at night, of tipping the night watchman in the car park by popping half-crowns into his mouth.
Why this method of payment was never made clear. But that night watchman probably talked posher than most.
Cold file
THAT same former Natal winger had many an escapade with the police over drinking and driving. One evening he pulled off in his car from outside the Victoria Club, in Longmarket Street, and crashed almost immediately into a parked vehicle.
With great presence of mind, he left the keys in the ignition and the engine running. He ran down the narrow lane that led to the police station and burst in shouting: "My car's been stolen!"
The cops accompanied him to where he'd parked, and there his car was just down the street, pranged but the engine still running.
A mystery. An unsolved case. A cold file. Who would be a cop?
Gently foaming
I WONDER what gave JPR the idea the coins would fox the breathalyser. As a medical man, you'd expect he'd know better.
A fellow I know once crammed Rennies – the antacid tablets – into his mouth as he waited to be breathalysed. The idea was not so much to fox the breathalyser as to give the impression, as the tablets foamed, that he was throwing a fit. He would then, he reasoned, be sent to hospital in an ambulance instead of being breathalysed.
Did it work? Well, it never got put to the test. The driver of the vehicle ahead punched the cop in the face as he came up to the window, then dropped his clutch and took off with a screech of wheelspin, the entire roadblock in full pursuit.
My pal was left to drive home peacefully, gently foaming at the mouth.
Another punch-up
JPR WILLIAMS incensed the King's Park crowd in 1974 when, in the British Lions match against Natal, he got into a punch-up with local hero Tommy Bedford. People talked about it for years afterwards – in fact some of them still do.
Tommy himself lives in London these days. Evidence in the court case was that JPR had been chauffeur driven to London to spend the day watching rugby, then driven back again. He was picked up by the fuzz as he drove his own car home from where he'd parked it.
Could he have been hoisting a few conciliatory pints with Bedford? How ironic if that were so.
Malema dilemma
MORE from Limerick Len on current events :
The ANC youth leader named Julius
Has a lifestyle that's rather luxurious
His fancy watch,houses and cars
Are being scrutinised by SARS
Which is making Julius quite furious.
Half-baked medic
ANOTHER item from Bill Bryson's Bizarre World (Warner Books):
WHEN Dr Ari Roga, a successful physician in Salzburg, Austria, baked a fancy cake for one of his patients, the woman joked that he must had had a professional culinary training. As it turned out, she was right. An investigation revealed that Dr Roga was not a doctor at all, but a pastry chef from Vienna.
Tailpiece
WHY DOESN'T Mexico have an Olympic team? All the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are in the US.
Last word
Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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