Talk like Shakespeare
SOMEHOW it passed us by, but in Chicago last Friday they went about addressing one another as "Sirrah", "Mistress" and "Cousin". They said "thee" and "thou" instead of "you."
It was Talk like Shakespeare Day, a celebration of the birth of the Immortal Bard 446 years ago, endorsed by the mayor, Richard Daley.
Citizens of Chicago were urged to use rhyming couplets wherever possible. The organisers also put out some guidelines:
· Instead of cursing, try calling people who irritate you "jackanapes" or "canker-blossoms" or "poisonous bunch-back'd toads".
· Don't waste time saying "it," just use the letter "t" ('tis, t'will, I'll do't).
· Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.
· When in doubt, add the letters "eth" to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).
· To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with "methinks", "mayhaps", "in sooth" or "wherefore".
· When wooing a lady, try comparing her to a summer's day. If that fails, say:"Get thee to a nunnery!"
· When girls woo lads, try dressing up like a man. If that fails, throw him in the Tower, banish his friends and claim the throne.
Why not here?
IN SOOTH, why not do the same for Durban? And wherefore stoppeth we with rhyming couplets? Mayhaps a full-blown sonnet? T'would fit the bill, methinks.
These jackanapes, these poisonous bunch-back'd toads,
They spendeth money like out of fashion,
They diggeth mightily at our roads
But availeth naught in satisfaction.
These canker-blossoms can't control
The dead or flicking traffic lights,
Consensus is that on the whole
The city will not be brought to rights.
Refuse pileth, the rats rejoice
As rubbish stands here uncollected,
As workers trash things it's their choice
That civic values go unreflected.
Alas, alack, we gaze to sea
From where the beachfront used to be.
Strange red lights
A HOUSEHOLDER on the Bluff sends in some community security newsletters that quote people seeing strange red lights in the sky in the vicinity of the old whaling station. Also some tall, sinister figures in capes who have been spotted in the dunes and who appear to have left narrow footprints.
The red lights, according to one informant, took off over the sea in the direction of Umhlanga.
What could all this be? UFOs? Or, as my informant suggests, maybe they're smoking some strong stuff on the Bluff these days.
Last Saturday evening a helicopter flying low about King's Park was showing red lights. Presumably manned by the police, it seemed to be practising routines for the Football World Cup. Could this have anything to do with it?
Keep quiet
MEANWHILE, British scientist Stephen Hawking says aliens very probably are somewhere out there. But he advises that we should keep quiet and hope they don't notice us. Such space life would simply abuse earth's resources then move on.
He says advanced aliens might look to conquer and colonise.
"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet," he said.
"If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans."
While most aliens were in all probability simple organisms such as microbes, Professor Hawking says it would take only a few intelligent ones to spell disaster for humans.
On the other hand, there's the theory that aliens would take just one look at us and skedaddle. Waste, plunder of natural resources, nose rings, discordant music, celebrity culture, general ugliness – "Let's get out of here, Captain!"
If those were UFOs, I wonder which they preferred – Umhlanga or the Bluff?
Love affairs
GLEN Fletcher, of Hillcrest, joins the reminiscence over the 1948 cricket Test against England that has so taken hold.
"I was 11 years old and my Dad took me to all five days, sitting in the old stand close to Castle Corner.
"I remember being devastated when Allan Watkins took a brilliant catch to dismiss my hero, Dudley Nourse, and then in that run chase in the drizzle, Owen Wynne dropping Cyril Washbrook at deep square leg.
"I have had a love affair with the longer form of the game ever since."
Tailpiece
GOOD King Wenceslas rings up his local pizza parlour. "The usual please. Deep pan, crisp and even."
Last word
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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