UFOs, aliens, giant frogs
EXCITEMENT continues on the Bluff over supposed sightings of UFOs and tall aliens who emerge from the bush in sinister capes. One might even be a giant frog. Headlines in the community newsletter Bluff Stuff give a digest of the reaction (much of it sceptical and derisive) of residents to initial reports of strange red lights and so on:
· More alien encounters at the beach – half-frog half-human.
· Groot padda.
· UFO captured on film over Ansteys
· Bright lights and little green men.
· Radar should pick up UFOs.
· Aliens or bush weirdos?
· Aliens at Brighton Beach.
· They have come to pick up Julius Malema.
· What are the Bluff people smoking?
· To-o-o-o-o much TV?
· Aliens want to turn the Bluff into a sewerage farm.
· Any photos of aliens?
· CSO/COP (security firm) will scare off aliens
· Footage of aliens trying to invade South Africa
A fisherman describes finding huge, webbed frog footprints emerging from the surf at Garvie's beach. Halfway up the beach they morphed into human footprints, which he followed as far as the car park. He was so spooked by the experience that he left his tackle box on the beach.
"We are not alone," he says.
Another correspondent says he actually met two aliens. "One was called Elvis, the other ET – but he went home."
Another describes a strange light which he got his daughter to capture on video. But when he called the police he heard one constable say in Zulu to his colleague: "This one's mad."
My informant, who lives on the Bluff, is among the sceptics.
"Either good stuff is going up in smoke or those crystal meth parties are getting out of hand," he says.
"Military exercises would seem the most likely explanation (there's no doubt they are seeing something) but it seems obvious that the webbed feet that morphed into human ones were flippers being removed, possibly by a kreef dief out snorkelling at night.
"Cape Town has military exercises of a similar nature. Why aren't we hearing similar reports from there? Probably because Bellville isn't on the coastline like the Bluff."
Whatever can he mean? That the Bellville and Bluff communities are both of them particularly dof? That they both smoke funny stuff?
I will keep you posted.
Loch Ness Monster
FROM UFO/alien sightings to the Loch Ness Monster. The existence of the monster in Loch Ness, Scotland, is "beyond doubt" according to a 1930s police report, just released.
For many years there has been debate as to whether Nessie really exists, whether she is an invention of the local tourism industry or whether she is simply testimony to the potency of the product of the local whisky stills.
Anyone who has seen the dark, brooding surface of Loch Ness will know that if there is such a thing as a monster, this surely is the place for it.
Photographs have been taken of a strange serpentine creature breaking surface in the loch – but photographs can be manipulated.
The 1930s government "X" file about the elusive Nessie has at last been released by the National Archives of Scotland.
In it William Fraser, chief constable of Inverness-shire, wrote to the Scottish Office raising concerns over the creature's safety.
He said: "That there is some strange creature in Loch Ness now seems beyond doubt. But that the police have any power to protect it is very doubtful."
This followed a number of public "sightings" and dodgy photographs.
Ministers proposed that reliable observers be placed around the loch to get further photographic evidence. If there was a monster, it should be trapped for its own protection. But the project seems to have fizzled out.
And Nessie's legend has continued to grow.
Tailpiece
A TOURIST in Los Angeles is walking through Chinatown when he sees a sign: Hans Olafsen's Laundry". Curious, he walks in. An old Chinese man is sitting in a corner.
Tourist: "How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry."
Old man: "It's named after me. I'm Hans Olafsen."
Tourist: "That's an unusual name for a Chinese."
Old man: "Yes. But when I came to America I was standing in the immigration line behind a man called Hans Olafsen. And when they asked me my name, I said: 'Sam Ting.'"
Last word
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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