| Only for the educated FEEL flattered. What follows comes to me titled "Puns for the educated". I therefore pass them on to this column's cultivated and discerning readership. · King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said: "I'll give you 100 000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied: "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are." * Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. * A man rushes into a busy doctor's office and shouts: "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responds: "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." · A marine biologist develops a breed of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of gulls runs out so he has to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spies two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly steps over them. Immediately he is arrested and charged with ...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. (A-a-a-a-r-gh!) * Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tates is lost." * A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesman was quoted saying: "We have absolutely nothing to go on." · An Indian chief was feeling very sick so he summoned the medicine man, who gave him a long, thin strip of elk rawhide, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged : "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
* A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife complained to the local civic official who apologised profusely, saying: "I must have taken Leif off my census." Oh, stop groaning … it could have been verse.
| | |  The culprits
THE ABOVE atrocities are inflicted by Alf Taylor, retired Chief Constable of Durban, sent on as an accessory after the fact by Ron Coppin, of Hillcrest. Alf moved back to his native Scotland after retiring. It seems he missed the boat by doing that. Huge housing contracts have opened up for former city policemen. Two wolves PIETER Aarsen, of Westville, sends in some Cherokee wisdom. One evening an old Cherokee tells his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He says: "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thinks about it for a minute then asks his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee replies: "The one you feed." |
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