| Dice you, ek se! BRITISH Formula 1 ace Lewis Hamilton has got into trouble with the fuzz in Australia for doing an exuberant burn-out and fishtail in his Merc, on a public road. A few years ago he committed a similar offence in France. This is unusual, an international racing driver being pulled up for motoring offences. I wonder, is he trying to make a collection of convictions in the different countries that host the F1. His trophy cupboard would be not quite as spectacular as Tiger Woods's, but unusual all the same. Different cops YES, IT'S so easy to get into that kind of difficulty. One night I was passenger in a car driven through Maritzburg by a fellow named Ginger. We were going from Collegians rugby club to the country club and were being followed by another fellow called Mango, who had a Ford Zephyr. As it was very late and the streets were empty, there seemed no need to stick to the speed limit. Suddenly Ginger noticed that Mango was trying to overtake, so he swerved playfully a few times to cut him off. What we'd forgotten was that the provincial cops in those days also had Ford Zephyrs. As we stopped at a red light outside the city hall, the Zephyr screeched in next to us. Ginger playfully flicked a cigarette stompie through the open window. It hit the steering wheel and showered the cop in sparks. It was a tricky moment. But Ginger was all apologies and charm. He got off with a warning ticket. The cops were different in those days. Devil's Dictionary JEFF Gaisford, public voice of Ezemvelo KZN Wildlife, sends in some definitions by 19th century American cynic Ambrose Bierce. They come from his Devil's Dictionary: · Altar, n – The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and female fool. · Bigamy, n – A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy. · Bride, n – A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. · Brute, n – See "husband". Well he was a cynic. And he did have a very unhappy marriage. For all that, Bierce – known as "Bitter Bierce" - was a popular writer and journalist, some of his best pieces being based on the American Civil War, in which he was wounded. He disappeared mysteriously in 1913 in Mexico while accompanying the rebel forces of Pancho Villa. Nobody ever discovered what happened to him. Kissee nice AH SO! Tom Dennen sends in a case study on Japanese management. Problem: One of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies received a complaint that a customer had bought a soap box that was empty. The problem was traced to the assembly line. | |
| Solution A: An X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors, manned by two people, watching the soap boxes as they pass through the line to make sure they are not empty. Very expensive. | |
| Solution B: A strong industrial electric fan is pointed at the assembly line. As the soap boxes pass, any empty ones are blown off the line. |
Moral: Keep It Short and Simple - Kiss.
Pothole specialists
RODNEY Kenyon suggests a solution to Durban's pothole problem – hire engineers from Vietnam.
Rodney – himself a former air force pilot – has been researching the B-52 bomber. In 1966 the US stepped up its air offensive against North Vietnam, and in April that year a flight of 30 B-52s lambasted the Vietcong supply route. It was closed for less than 24 hours.
Two weeks later the bombers were back, leaving massive craters in the road. The North Vietnamese had the road open and operational within the day.
"Surely, with this evidence of road-mending prowess, our council should be encouraged to seek the services of the North Vietnamese engineers who were able to get things fixed and functional within hours of having hundreds of tons of high explosives dropped directly on their road."
Tailpiece
"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck."
"I see. And how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
Last word
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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