Malema's da man!
THE WORLD reacted with astonishment last night to the news that ANC Youth League President Julius Malema is to replace Robert B Zoellick as President of the World Bank. However, some quarters expressed disappointment.
US President Barack Obama was delighted.
"This is something we have been pushing for. Julius Malema has shown in his operations in Limpopo province to be the kind of financier the world needs, especially the developing world. He is able to make money out of nothing, to live high on the hog off non-existent directorships and hand-outs from comrades.
"Place this guy in Somalia or Ethiopia or Darfur and in no time at all he'll have the poverty-stricken peasants driving Range Rovers, drinking Johnnie Walker Blue and Moet Chandon and living in luxury mansions the way he does, keeping time with a Breitling wristwatch.
"Julius Malema is the model for Africa and the developing world. He's kicked the old economics in the butt and brought in the new. I see him as the next Secretary-General of the United Nations.
"He also has a fine sense of history and music. We've booked him to sing at the Fourth of July celebrations at the White House."
UN Secretary-General Ban ki-Moon said Malema was a great choice as President of the World Bank and he was sure the appointment was a mere stepping stone to eventually taking over his own post.
"Meanwhile, Limpopo province will prosper. There will be no shortage of funding as the tenders go out. If Limpopo succeeds, Africa succeeds!"
Those disappointed include the University of the Witwatersrand, which had Malema pencilled in as the next Chancellor; the Human Rights Commission, which had plans to co-opt him; the Council for Scientific and Industrial Research, which wanted his expertise in woodwork; and Ladysmith Black Mambazo, who wanted his sense of rhythm.
Maritzburg piggybank
HOPES were dashed yesterday of an early resolution to Msunduzi municipality's financial woes. Hopes had originally been raised by the discovery in a city hall storeroom of a massive piggybank reaching as high as the ceiling.
Could these be the missing millions? When the giant piggy was with difficulty shifted from side to side by a team using ropes, a rustling could be heard from inside, as of hundreds of thousands of banknotes.
A team of workmen with sledgehammers was ordered, but the sledgehammers had been stolen from stores. Eventually an angle grinder was borrowed from the private sector and the piggybank was opened – only to find it had been stuffed with IOUs.
However, all is not lost. Along with the IOUs was a race card for the current Scottsville season, with predicted winners and places all clearly marked. (It is believed it was the basis of budgeting up until now and had been mislaid – hence the financial crash).
"This is the most encouraging thing that has happened since I took over," said newly appointed Mayor Mike Tarr. "We would have liked to have found cash but the marked race card is at least a good start."
UFOs in town
MOSES Mabhida stadium was the scene of unprecedented UFO activity last night as several alien spacecraft landed, one perching on the Sky Arch. They were apparently under the impression the stadium was one of their own fleet, stranded. A large UFO labelled "Breakdown Service" was just trying to hook up a towing device when the Metro Police arrived and issued it a ticket. The UFOs then took off at high speed and have not been seen since.
Municipal Manager Michael Sutcliffe commented: "These creatures have to pay their fines, otherwise they will be in serious trouble."
Memo to Editor
I MUST protest at the way material meant for the news pages keeps spilling over into my space. It becomes particularly severe every April 1.
Tailpiece
A FARMER is plagued by traffic whizzing down the country lane, disturbing his livestock either side. Road signs do nothing to slow down the cars: "Slow"; "Pedestrian Crossing"; "Tractors Crossing." Nothing works.
Then suddenly he gets the traffic to positively crawl through his property. The new sign: "Nudist Colony".
Last word
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. ~Mark Twain
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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