The Idler, Monday, October 29, 2012

Great white whale (1)

ASTOUNDING developments. As recorded in the news pages last week, a white Beluga whale at an aquarium in San Diego, California, has produced sing-song sounds that suggest it was trying to copy human speech.

Scientists analysing the sounds produced by Noc the Beluga say he was not quite as good as a parrot or an Indian mynah but he was definitely trying. (And show me the parrot or Indian mynah that can dive underwater as well as talk).

Now a keeper at an aquarium in Vancouver, Canada, says he heard their white Beluga whale utter his own name: "Lagosi". This whale also seemed to speak a garbled Russian or Chinese.

This is astonishing stuff. Imagine if Herman Melville had such information at his disposal. Moby Dick could have had some arresting dialogue.

Kweegee: "Thar she blows!"

Captain Ahab: "It's the Great White Whale who took off me leg! I've been scouring the Seven Seas to get me revenge, ya rascal!"

Moby Dick: "Avast, ya tattooed swab, I'll stick yer harpoon where the sun don't shine! As for you, Ahab, I'm gonna chomp your other leg then put you in the San Diego aquarium …"

Etcetera etcetera.

Great white whale (2)

MEANWHILE, it seems I was mistaken in the Street Shelter for the Over-40s the other night. The fellow at the bar counter slobbering and bellowing in an incoherent sing-song was not a fat drunk, as I'd thought, he was a white Beluga whale trying to order a martini.

Bridesmaid

WHAT a disappointment the Currie Cup final was. It was like watching a rerun of the old movie, The Man Who Never Was, about how the Allies tricked the Nazis over the place and timing of the D-Day landings.

We just kept throwing to that phantom jumper at the back of the line-out – The Man Who Never Was. Who was tricking whom?

That's where our game unravelled. Those two Western Province drop goals summed it up – a side playing with method and composure and taking their opportunities. Well done to them.

For ourselves a season in which we got into both the Super Rugby and the Currie Cup finals. Sigh! Always a bridesmaid.

Confusion reigns

SUCH confusion last week at the Mondays at Six soiree at the Alliance Francaise. I was expecting a talk from 68-year-old "gogo" Delia Ballantyne about how she climbed Kilimanjaro. Yet here was this slip of a girl – barely out of her teens – telling us how she and a gang of other girls climbed not only Kilimanjaro but Mount Meru as well.

Confusion apart, a most entertaining evening. And tonight will be a cracker with a film, Presto, produced by David Basckin – quirky columnist on the Sunday Tribune - and Zoe Molver.

To quote the blurb: "The film creates a contrapuntal relationship between the testimony of a former SADF conscript in which he details his strategy to avoid the call-up, and the performance of Dr Fly and The Nurses, Durban's popular a capella trio who sing and dance their way through an entire set of mostly Andrews Sisters hits plus one luminous Miriam Makeba classic."

This is not to be missed.

Tailpiece

Two women are sitting next to each other in a New York bar. One says: "I can't help but tink, from listenin' to you, dat you're from Oireland."   "Yes, sure Oi am!'   "So am Oi! And whereabouts in Oireland are ya from?   "Oi'm from Dublin, Oi am."   "So, am Oi! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"   "A lovely little area. Oi I lived on Warbury Street in de old central part of town."   "Faith, and it's a small world. So did Oi! And what school did ya go to?"   "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course."   "And so did Oi! Tell me, what year did you graduate?" "Well, now, let's see. Oi graduated in 1964." "The Good Lord must be smilin' down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at windin' up in de same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!"   A man walks in and orders a beer. The bartender walks over and mutters "It's going to be a long night."   "Why so?" "The Murphy twins are on their ear again."

Last word

The love of truth lies at the root of much humour.

Robertson Davies

The Idler, Friday, October 26, 2012

Your province needs you!

WHAT is the weather going to do tomorrow for the Currie Cup final? Three home games in a row now, the Sharks have had to play on a sponge (and they've won in fine style). If it clears, can they adjust?

The long-range forecast says early showers, then clearing; an 11-knot wind from the south. So that looks like a dampish start, conditions improving. But anything can happen these days. By the time they run on it could be raining frogs and lizards.

Mind you, the way the fellows have been performing they can play in anything. It's the spectators we worry about. Will we get a full stadium at King's Park for the first time this season? What's a bit of rain when the guys are about to lift the Currie Cup?

Come on, turn out! Do your bit for the black and white! Think of the after-party. You'll regret it if you weren't there. To adapt Lord Kitchener: Your province needs you!

 

Passports

 

DISCUSSION in recent days of the forging of passports during the apartheid era prompts Zoltan de Rosner, of Pennington, to send in his own passport.

 

It is issued by the "Republic of Hout Bay" (down in the Cape where Zoltan and his wife used to live) and was a fund-raising gimmick by the local Lions Club.

 

Border posts were set up once a year on the three roads into the village and visitors had to buy passports at R10 each. Great fun. And several locals managed to use these passports overseas and would proudly show off the entry and exit stamps when they returned.

 

Yes, something similar used to happen at the Ingeli Mountain Lodge, just before Kokstad. The lodge issued passports of the "Republic of Ingeli" – rather fancy documents with space in them for three photographs: "Your photograph"; "Your wife's photograph"; and "Your girlfriend's photograph".

 

This was at the time the Transkei was supposedly independent and border controls had been set up. Reps staying at Ingeli Mountain Lodge used to delight in using their Republic of Ingeli passports to travel in and out of the Republic of Transkei.

 

Sigh! Did nobody take Grand Apartheid seriously?

 

 

Comic opera

 

YES, GRAND apartheid provided some splendid comic opera. There was the occasion when the President of the independent nation of Bophuthatswana paid a state visit to the independent nation of Transkei.

 

My colleague, David Thomas – then stationed at Umtata – filed a classic report.

 

A 21-gun salute boomed out across the Transkei capital as the Bophuthatswana President arrived. This puzzled people because everyone knew the Transkei army had no artillery.

It turned out that the salvos came from a captured World War I German field gun, on display outside the Umtata town hall. A corporal was throwing thunderflashes down the barrel, carefully counting.

But the percussion was too much for the ancient wooden framework of the gun. It collapsed. But the 21-gun salute continued, the corporal continuing to throw thunderflashes down the barrel as it lay there on the ground.

Great stuff, worthy of an Evelyn Waugh.

 

Transkei navy

AND OF COURSE there was the time when the Transkei navy took delivery of a submarine. It was called the Oceanos.

Tailpiece

SISTER Mary-Ann is a nun who works with a home health agency in the Free State. While out on her rounds, she runs out of petrol. But fortunately she is near a filling station. She walks to it and asks if she can borrow a can to fill with petrol.

 

The attendant says he's just lent out his only can. But it should be back soon, if she can wait. She decides to go back to the car and look for another receptacle. There she spots the bedpan she was taking to a patient. She walks back to the filling station with it, gets it filled up with petrol, goes back to the car and starts pouring the petrol into the tank.

 

Koos van der Merwe and his brother are watching the operation with great interest from an adjacent field where they have been ploughing.

 

"Kleinboet," says Koos. "If that thing starts, I'm turning Catholic."

 

Last word

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Alexander Pope

 

The Idler, Thursday, October 25, 2012

Cabal of toffs?

ETON, the super-posh English public school is suddenly in the news. It's the alma mater of Prime Minister David Cameron and his Chancellor, George Osborne. The Labour opposition have sniped at them from the start for being part of a cabal of toffs.

Then Andrew Mitchell, Tory chief whip in the House of Commons, got into a late-night altercation with police outside the prime minister's residence. He called them "plebs", and had to resign in the resulting uproar.

George Osborne himself was found travelling in a first class rail carriage with a second class ticket, and got into a bit of a spat with the conductor.

And now a group of Eton schoolboys have put a video on Youtube, in which they rap about life at the school: "We're not too social, can't talk to women, although we try, we're just too shy."

Tony Little, headmaster of Eton, describes is as: "A self-deprecating piece of fun by some boys who are parodying themselves."

What would the Duke of Wellington have made of all this? The Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton.

 

Shaft of light

 

EVERY now and then a shaft of brightness penetrates the gloom.

 

Eskom seeks to impose annual electricity tariff increases of 16 percent for the next five years.

 

Can the name of the Eskom chairman really be Zola Tsotsi? Yes, that is the case.

 

Onward we trudge. But sometimes the step is a little lighter.

 

Never On Sunday

 

THE OTHER day we discussed the Greek amateur football club, Voukefalas, who have been forbidden to wear jerseys proclaiming their sponsorship by two local bordellos. Reader Brett Beiles suggests a way out.

 

He reminds us of the Greek film, Never On Sunday, in which a hooker (played by Melinda Mercouri) worked Monday to Saturday but "never on Sunday". He suggests some kind of similar accommodation with the football authorities.

 

 

Brett – who is a livewire at the Monday's at Six soirees – suggests that I might not be old enough to remember the film.

 

Flattery will get you nowhere, Brett. And I recall the very catchy theme song only too well.

 

 

 

Striptease

THE AUTHORITIES in China are cracking down on striptease send-offs at funerals. Five people have been arrested in Donghai County, in the eastern province of Jiangsu, for "obscene performances" at a funeral.

The strippers are apparently hired to boost the number of mourners because large crowds are seen as a mark of honour for the deceased. It's been going on for some time.

But the authorities have had enough of it and local officials have been ordered to halt the performances. A special hotline has been set up for funeral strips to be reported.

I wonder what the legal position is here? Those with sporty terms in their will would do well to check it out.

 

Strip tax

MEANWHILE, an American strip club has been told it cannot claim tax exemption because lap-dancing does not promote community culture.

Nite Moves club, in New York state, had claimed it should be exempt from sales tax because of its contribution to culture. However the state supreme court ruled otherwise.

Interestingly, the bench of judges was split 4-3 in their ruling. The minority said there was no legal distinction between "high-brow dance and low-brow dance." They said serious constitutional issues were raised.

They really should have adjourned to Nite Moves for an inspection in loco.

 

 

March of science

NASA'S Curiosity rover has ingested its first Martian soil sample. The other day it took a pinch of dust into the CheMin Instrument, one of its two big onboard analytical tools.

It's a key moment for the $2.6 billion mission. But I'm prepared to make a small bet. Exhaustive analysis will reveal that the grit and gravel on the surface of Mars is identical to the grit and gravel of the Griquas' rugby field at Kimberley. You can tell from the photographs of both.

The Griquas' rugby field has a covering here and there of devilthorns. Ergo vegetation is possible on Mars.

The march of science is relentless.

Tailpiece

A PROSPECTIVE student is being interviewed for admission to a prestige medical school.

Panel member: "Where do you expect to be 10 years from now?"

Prospective student: "Well, let's see. It's Wednesday afternoon. The golf course, I guess."

 

Last word

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker

 

 

he Idler, Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The big picture

ANXIETIES over the council's proposed taking over yet again of Durban Transport are misplaced. The naysayers appear to be unaware of developments that will make Durban Transport one of the biggest money-spinners on the African continent.

You have to see the big picture. In the pipeline are plans to establish a super-luxury intercity bus service between Durban and the booming metropolis of Nkandla.

Air-conditioned coaches will leave on the hour from Moses Mabhida Stadium, the International Convention Centre and uShaka Marine World to collect from Nkandla visitors from the new World Bank HQ, the new African Union HQ, and the various service and other industries that have established there in support.

They will simultaneously carry people from Durban to watch top-flight rugby and football at Nkandla, at the two giant adjoining stadiums that are to be built there; plus test cricket at the Nkandla Oval. This traffic will pick up considerably when Nkandla is awarded the Commonwealth Games and the Olympic Games.

And, of course, the Zuma family will provide a constant stream of passenger traffic.

Let's not be negative and timorous. Let us look at the big picture.

 

 

Wedding (1)

A SWEDISH couple got married in Britain the other day by Klingon rites. Jossie Sockertopp and Sonnie Gustavsson married in a Swedish registry office then travelled to London for a Star Trek convention.

There they were married in a traditional Klingon ceremony based on a wedding in a Star Trek episode. The bride wore a floor-length red robe and diamante headdress, matching the headdress of the groom. Prosthetic foreheads with deep wrinkles and stringy black manes completed the Klingon look.

Three bangs of a gong ushered the bride and groom to an altar adorned with decorative screens and a throne made from animal bone and hide. They didn't play Mendelssohn's Wedding March.

Who says TV produces a false sense of reality?

 

Wedding (2)

MEANWHILE, IN THE Grand Duchy of Luxembourg it was traditional storybook stuff as Crown Prince Guillaume married Belgian Countess Stephanie de Lannoy in a service in Notre Dame Cathedral, attended by royalty from all over Europe, including William Prince of Wales and Kate.

That's more like it for we ballies. And I'm sure they'll live happily ever after.

 

Wedding (3)

THEN, back in Britain, the Advertising Standards Authority has upheld a customer complaint that an advertisement for a doll that promised an "authentic likeness" of Prince William on his wedding day was misleading.

The porcelain collectable was described as "handcrafted to an unprecedented level" by the manufacturer, Bradford Exchange.

But the ASA say the doll was slimmer, it's face too bright and its hair too long.

So there! I hope Bradford Exchange will be more careful with the prosthetically wrinkled foreheads and stringy black manes when they do the Klingon wedding dolls.

 

Tailpiece

 

A MAN walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. The waitress asks for their orders.
The man: "A hamburger, fries and a coke."  The ostrich: "I'll have the same."


 "That will be R39.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change .

Next day he and the ostrich are back. "A hamburger, fries and a coke." Ostrich: "I'll have the same."
Again the man pays with the exact change.

This becomes daily routine. Then one day: "The usual?"

"No, I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad." The ostrich: "Same here.".

"That will be R132.62."


Again he pulls the exact change out of his pocket.


Waitress: "Excuse me, but how do you manage to always come up with the exact change ?"


"Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would be there."


"Brilliant! Most people would ask for a million bucks or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want!"


"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce."


"What's with the ostrich?"


He sighs: "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Last word

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

John Wilmot

 

The Idler, Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Over to the girls

BRITAIN has had its weirdest weather on record in the past few months, scientists say. The driest spring in more than a century gave way to the wettest ever recorded three months to June. But there's no evidence of man-made climate change being responsible.

If the Brits think they've been having weird weather, they should try KwaZulu-Natal. Here it's diabolical.

Three home games running, the Sharks have had to play on a sponge at King's Park. Plumtree has had to hire a water polo coach to help the fellows adapt. And it's the Currie Cup final next Saturday.

As I write, the bright sunshine that greeted the start of the week has changed to overcast, promising still more rain. The Brit scientists are probably correct that it's not man-made. But woman-made?

Years ago we had a national sage called Gert Yssel who insisted that drought was caused by the mini-skirt craze. If that's so, today we have the opposite. The girls need to raise their hemlines a bit to get the sun shining again.

No, what the heck! King's Park is waterlogged. Let's have mini-mini-minis, get the place dried out. This is an emergency.

Come on gals, a dry Currie Cup final depends on you. Show some leg for the sake of running rugby!

 

Out to stud?

YESTERDAY we discussed the danger that Patrick Lambie could be lured overseas to play his rugby if he doesn't get a fair deal here in national selection. Now it seems there's also a danger he could go out to stud.

A reader who calls himself Barrie with an "e" says he saw TV footage of a gorgeous girl holding a placard which read: "Patrick – I want to have your lambies!"

This is serious. A really determined girl could derail our rugby. Let's get the final behind us, then give this our full attention.

 

New heart-throb

MEANWHILE, another rugby heart-throb has arrived on the scene. Victor Matfield used to make TV appearances looking gaunt with his hair and beard awry, sometimes with a shiner and out of breath from his exertions on the field.

Since retirement he's become a commentator. He's had a bit of a make-over - flowing, silky black locks, trimmed beard, smoulderingly dark good looks and a totally relaxed attitude and manner of speech. In fact he looks very much like Prince Valiant, the refugee from the Isle of Thule who joined the Round Table of King Arthur.

I discovered last weekend that the gals are swooning over Victor in his new guise. But they're a little late, I'm afraid. He already has a lovely, golden-haired wife named Aleta and they have three kids and … Oh sorry, I'm thinking about Prince Valiant, I'm mixing my Arthurian legends with my rugby legends. But Victor has already been nabbed, I'm afraid.

Such confusion. There's no Thule like an old Thule.

 

Got the hots?

BIG TEX, A 52 feet tall (16m) cowboy dummy who has watched over the Texas State Fair for 60 years, has been destroyed by fire.

The flames quickly engulfed Big Tex's structure, leaving behind little more than a charred metal frame.

He was famous for his 75-gallon hat and 50lb belt buckle, and was a popular rendezvous for fairgoers. Fair officials have vowed to rebuild him. He was made mostly of fibreglass and clothed by a Texas fabric company.

The mystery is what caused the fire. Bystanders saw smoke suddenly pouring from his huge frame and next thing it was all over before firefighters could get there.

Maybe Big Tex suddenly got the hots for Dolly Parton.

Any old iron?

A BOSNIAN scrap metal dealer who specialised in stealing manhole covers has been caught cutting up an entire iron bridge over a river. Mile Jurosevic was arrested in the town of Brcko.

Does this sound familiar to us here in Durban? It was most far-sighted of them to build the Athlone Bridge, and others, out of concrete.

Tailpiece

"DADDY, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

"No, sweetheart. Some begin with 'If I am elected at Mangaung …'"

Last word

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.

Kurt Vonnegut

 

 

The Idler, Monday, October 22

Your move, Heyneke!

 

WELL, a home final it is. Emphatic is the word that springs to mind as one thinks of the way Lwazi Mvovo slid over in the corner to seal a game the Sharks had dominated throughout – tough as it was. We played by far the more entertaining and attacking rugby, while our defence was rock-solid.

 

"Emphatic" also describes the way Patrick Lambie established himself as the country's top flyhalf. While his opposite number, Morne Steyn, spent his time hoofing the ball into the stratosphere and doing little else, Lambie got his line moving in fine style.

 

Will Heyneke Meyer take the hint? Or does Lambie have to play overseas?

 

Your move, Heyneke!

 

 

Going pro

 

GREEK amateur football clubs are feeling the pinch with the withdrawal of government subsidies in the austerity drive. They have started getting sponsorship from unusual sources – a funeral parlour, kebab shops, a jam factory and a feta cheese factory.

 

But Voukefalas club have shown real initiative. They now have pink jerseys emblazoned with "Villa Erotica" and "Soula's House of History" – two brothels in the city of Larissa.

 

Not only that, the Madame (who owns both establishments) offers the players performance bonuses in kind.

 

But the Greek football authorities have squelched the deal. They say bordellos are not in keeping with the ethos of amateur football and Voukefalas are not allowed to wear the new jerseys in matches. They can only wear them at practices, though they are appealing against the ruling.

 

Strains of Zorba music?

 

Spot the Sheila

AUSTRALIAN prime minister Julia Gillard fell flat on her bottom last week while on a tour of India. Her high heel had become embedded in soft grass while on a walkabout, and down she went, very ungainly.

Most unfortunate. Yet somehow it reminded me of the lovely line in a rugby column written years ago for this newspaper by my old pal Dick Cocks – a temporarily transplanted Aussie (he's back there now) who had played rugby for Natal and become a Natal selector.

"Natal rugby lacks depth. That's as obvious as an Australian girl at the Lord Mayor's Ball."

Or at the Mahatma Gandhi memorial at Rajghat.

 

More forgery

 

MY OLD COLLEAGUE Tom Dennen was intrigued by last week's account of how artist Andrew Verster once faked a passport to get a political activist out of the country. About the same time, he says, he and noted water colourist Andrew Cantrell were up to the same tricks.

They got hold of a British passport and doctored it to get a young fellow out of the country to avoid military conscription. They managed to reproduce the embossed Great Seal on the new bearer's photograph, and a bit of red ink and artwork did the rest.

"That one not only fooled British immigration, but MI5, MI6 and James Bond himself before the Brits changed their passport format.

"It was not until 30 years later, about six months after 9/11, that the Yanks caught on to the idea of laminating the passport picture into the page."

 

I shudder at all this criminality among my acquaintances.

 

Go Gogo go!

 

FROM forgery to mountaineering – tonight's Mondays at Six soiree at the Alliance Francaise will feature a talk – with slides – by Delia Ballantyne on her recent climbing of Kilimanjaro at the age of 68.

 

Delia did the climb with a group of South Africans and Australians and was known as the Gogo of the group.

 

Table bookings: 031 - 3682022 (leave a message).

 

Tailpiece

A COMMUTER settles down in her seat after a very busy day and closes her eyes as the train departs.

As it rolls out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulls out his cellphone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train – yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss.

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life – yes, I'm sure, cross my heart …"

Fifteen minutes later he's still at it. The woman next to him yells at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric! Turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

Last word

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

The Idler, Friday, October 19, 2012

Remember the Alamo!

 

AT KING'S Park for the Griquas game last Friday, our stand was lively with redwing starlings. The floodlights turn night into day and these starlings were going about their business, nesting. It's an odd feature of the way the TV networks have turned rugby from an afternoon to an evening game.

 

As anyone knows, redwing starlings get very aggro and territorial when nesting. They dive-bomb any dog or human who gets near – a noisy flurry of wings and talons. It can be quite startling. They make Indian mynahs look like pacifists.

 

I don't suppose they could be trained to zero in on Morne Steyn as he lines up for kicks – it's a bit late now anyway – but we can at least hope for home ground patriotism from them.

 

Yep, King's Park is the place to be again tonight. This is the real thing. For both sides it's likely to be the toughest match of the competition, whoever wins and whatever happens in the final. Sharks versus Bulls – Natal versus Northern Transvaal. It goes back to that final in 1956 (when we lost 9-8) and that glorious final in 1990 when it was 18-12 to us. (I was there for both). And so much besides. Natal versus Northerns – there's always something special about the fixture.

 

Be there! This is the real thing! This is rugby! Remember the Alamo!

 

 

Limpopo astrophysics

 

ROB NICOLAI, chief astrophysicist/quantum mechanic of Howick, believes the continuing Limpopo textbooks crisis can be explained by astrophysics.

 

Just as black holes in space are super-dense dead stars whose gravity is so intense that nothing can escape them - not even light, which is super-fast - so Limpopo has similar characteristics.

 

"Black holes are tears in space time continuum reality, kind of like Limpopo where no textbooks ever get in or out of schools."

 

He connects the black hole phenomenon in Limpopo with the recent discovery in South Africa of the heaviest element yet known to science.

 

"The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 35 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

"These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

"Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

"A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

"In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

"This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

"When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced."

 

It's nice to know that the crisis in Limpopo has nothing to do with human failure.

Puppy poser

POLICE in Dublin have intercepted 36 puppies – found in boxes in two cars – which they believe had been smuggled in from the United Kingdom for sale on the black market.

They found 25 Jack Russells and a number of cocker spaniels, springer spaniels, terriers, beagles and Labradors. Judging from TV footage, the pups appear to be in good condition. They are now being cared for by the SPCA. Two men have been arrested.

Is there really a black market in dogs in Ireland? Why? Those breeds could hardly have been for something like dog-fighting, they're all of them hunting dogs, gundogs or ratters .

It must be de poachers. Who else wants terriers?

Tailpiece

HOW many Scotsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Och, it's no' that dark!

Last word

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant