Tuesday, April 16, 2019

The Idler, Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Please no

spikka da

Engleesh

DEBORAH Haynes, foreign affairs editor on Sky News, has appealed to foreigners not to reply in English when Brits approach them using their own language, however imperfectly.

"It's demoralising and actually - unless we're floundering and need help - rather rude.

"I've lost count of the number of times I've bucked up the courage to attempt a bit of French in a French-speaking nation only to have the person I'm addressing shoot back in English. (She's in Brussels for the Brexit drama).

"I imagine most times the other person is simply trying to be polite, rather than get in a bit of English-language practice at my expense, but at least give me a chance.

"I found myself feeling pathetically grateful - after largely receiving English responses to my French questions - when in a cafe in Brussels I ordered a pain au chocolat and a cup of tea in French (not hard) to be met with a response… also in French!

"The waiter asked if I wanted milk with my tea, to which I responded: '"Yes please" (Oui, s'il vous plait - see, it's really not hard)'."

How does this square with my own experience once in Brussels. The signage everywhere is bilingual – French/Flemish. You can buy on the streets a Flemish newspaper. Flemish is very close to Afrikaans – more so than Dutch. But, I was to discover, Brussels is actually a French-speaking city.

 

I needed a toothbrush. The shop sign said "Apotek". Ha, Apteek. I marched in and asked for a "tandeborsel."

"M'sieur?" The girl behind the counter was flummoxed. She called a colleague.

The colleague spoke slowly and deliberately" "Do you speak may-be a leetle bit Engleesh?"

"Ag ja, I speak a leetle, leetle bit Engleesh. A teethbrush asseblief."

As I walked out with my toothbrush, I heard one of the girls say: "C'est un Allemagne." (He's a Gerrman).

Election sediment

THE election looms ever closer. Investment analyst Dr James Greener notes in his latest grumpy newsletter a connected geological process.

"Sedimentologists are flocking to a traffic island on the M4 in Durban North to view the wonderful example of bedding taking place on a row of flagpoles.

"As each new posse of party workers adds their own flimsy cardboard-mounted poster to the top of the pole it soon slides down compressing those beneath it and after some rain there is a perfect layering of portraits and promises at the base of each pole.

"Wind weathering is adding to the geological processes. The lower levels could be nearly fossilised by now."

 

 

Fascist dogs

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties:

"Dogs are fascists. I like cats."

"That's ridiculous."

"Absolutely absurd."

"Dogs don't have political ideas."

"Did you ever see a police cat?"

Implants

TECHNOLOGY news. Apple has announced that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The device will cost from $499 (R6 956) to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

Tailpiece

THIS fellow goes into his local and is astonished to see a cow serving behind the bar

"What are you staring at?" says the cow. "Never seen a cow serving drinks before?"

"It's not that. It's just I never thought the moose would sell this place."

 

 

Last word

Good taste is the enemy of comedy.

Mel Brooks

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