The Idler, Thursday, September 22, 2016

Booger Hole for me

DO YOU fancy a holiday in the US? How about starting out on the West Coast at Big Bottom and nipping across to Big Sag. Then liven things up a bit with a jaunt to Beer Bottle Crossing, followed by Jackpot.

But Boring and Mormon Bar are not recommended.

On the other hand, you might prefer to start on the East Coast at Flea Hill, moving through Foul Rift, Moosup, Woonsocket and Satan's Kingdom to Bald Head.

 

Yes, these are all names of American towns, gathered by a real estate agency casting its net countrywide, according to Huffington Post.

 

Other names: Chicken; Catfish Paradise; Nibley; Chugwater; Zap; Plenty Beers (er, sorry, Plenty Bears); Worms; Skiddy; Okay; Ding Dong; Waterproof; Possumneck; Toad Suck; Frankenstein; Chicken Brittle; What Cheer; Chili; Little Canada; Free Soil; Dull (Is it twinned with Boring?); Santa Claus; Booger Hole; Pig; Smartt; Scratch Ankle; Spuds; Flippen; Coward; Whynot; Fries; Coupon, Handsome Eddy; Mosquitoville; and Dummer.

 

Those are lively names. We have quite a wealth of such as well – Pofader (puff adder), Onderbroekspruit (where the transport riders used to wash their underwear), Fort Mistake and Baardskeerdersbos (Beard-Shavers' Bush).

 

And, of course, our classic Tweebuffelsmeteenskootmorsdoodgeskietfontein (Two Buffalo Shot Stone Dead With One Shot Fountain) – usually abbreviated to Twee Buffels.

 

Down in the Western Cape winelands near Franschhoek there's a sign to a place called Gert Se Gat, which I hope refers to Gert's favourite fishing hole.

 

And of course there are the names conferred, often in frustration, by the 19^th century surveyors of the remote rural districts of the old Cape Colony: Hotazel (Hot As Hell); Aggeneys (Agonies); De Hel (self-explanatory); Houpoehou (a complicated multi-abbreviation describing the pangs of diarrhoea); and, of course, Baldiep (which refers to the depth at the local river crossing).

 

Our tourism people have a wealth of material to work with. But Toad Suck takes a lot of beating.

 

 

Razzle dazzle donkeys   BOTSWANA is an intriguing place. As we've discussed recently, they have a programme in place to paint glaring yellow eyes on the backsides of cattle, to prevent their being attacked by lions.   Now I learn that at Maun, a town near the Okavango Delta, they have another programme to place reflective tags on the ears of free-roaming donkeys. This is to protect them not from lions but from motor traffic at night. Donkeys are particularly vulnerable because their eyes do not reflect headlights.   The tags reflect both ways – forward and backward – so your headlights are likely to pick them up from whatever direction.   It seems they have 25 000 free-roaming donkeys at Maun, and the local Animal Welfare Society has so far managed to tag 500.   It sounds a most worthwhile project, but hold on – why should the two programmes not be merged? Lions surely prey on donkeys as much as they do on cattle. Why not paint glaring yellow fluorescent eyes on the backsides of the donkeys as well?   Those Maun donkeys would have more glitter on them than the Russian gals at the Thunder Lounge here in Durban. It could become an alternative tourist attraction for the Okavango Delta.   Teach those donkeys to pole dance and Maun has another money-spinner. Don't tangle   NEVER tangle with an Aussie female. A helicopter pilot was rounding up cows at a cattle station on the Cape York peninsula in Queensland, Australia, when things went rather awry.   He got too close to the herd and next thing the skids of his chopper had locked with a cow's horns. Small helicopter, large cow – there can be only one outcome.   The helicopter went cartwheeling, crashed and burst into flames, though the pilot managed to jump free and is unharmed. The chopper is a write-off.   The cow is absolutely fine, according to the Brisbane Times.   You don't tangle with those Aussie sheilas, especially not when they're horny.     Puns MORE metaphoric puns: ·        You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. ·        Every calendar's days are numbered. ·        A lot of money is tainted – tain't yours and tain't mine. ·        A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ·        Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

Tailpiece

 

"WHAT do you think our husbands talk about down at the pub?"

 

"The same as us, I guess."

 

"What? You really think so? The dirty old buggers!"

 

 

Last word

 

Instant gratification takes too long. - Carrie Fisher