Zuma for coach
MY OLD rugby pal Sam Hutton has come up with a brilliant idea. Why doesn't Jacob Zuma take over coaching the Boks?
"I know nothing about politics, but perhaps a wee bit about rugby.
"I was player/coach of Hillcrest Villagers Third XV for two years in the 80s.
"If the president could teach the players to jink and sidestep, and pass the ball as beautifully as the way he can pass the buck, we would be unbeatable.
"And the Gupta guys as selectors. After all, if they can select a cabinet, selecting a rugby team would be easy.
"Stranger things have happened."
They have indeed, Sam. In fact the strange things that seems to be happening every other day in this country, you simply could not make up.
At which point, I must point out that Sam had a rugby career that predated his time with Hillcrest Villagers Third XV. He also played front rank for Ireland.
And not only that, as a front-ranker he once put over a drop goal for Ireland. This makes him unique in the annals of rugby, anywhere and at any level.
Sam is a man who has to be taken seriously. Jacob Zuma for Springbok coach!
Nondescripts
THE Hillcrest Villagers are, of course, a splendid bunch of fellows. One of the best rugby parties I ever went to was after they played the touring Nairobi Nondescripts.
The match nearly didn't take place because half the Nondescripts were in the Point Road clink the night before, after being found scrumming against a palm tree.
There was a language problem. Our cops couldn't speak Swahili.
I can't remember if Sam Hutton had anything to do with it.
Join the navy!
ANNALS of the American War of Independence … The USS Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48 600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).
According to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48 600 gallons of fresh water, 7 400 cannon shot, 11 600 pounds of black powder and 79 400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on October 6, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68 300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there on November 12. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64 300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On November 18, she set sail for England.. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By January 26 her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40 000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on February 20, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38 600 gallons of water.
Do the arithmetic! Join the navy!
Whack! Whack!
A HUGE black bear – standing at more than 2m on its hind legs – attacked 63-year-old Atsushi Aoki as he was fishing in in the mountains of the Gunma Prefecture, in Japan.
Was Atsushi discomfited? Not really. He's also a martial arts expert and he proceeded to give the bear a pasting, punching it repeatedly between the eyes, according to this piece on Sky News.
Eventually the bear ran off into the forest, defeated.
Do bears harbour revenge? Do they enroll in kickboxing courses? We watch the Gunma Prefecture with keen anticipation.
Tailpiece
A WOMAN'S house is robbed. Hysterically, she phones the police. They tell her there's a dog unit in her area and it's on its way.
A policeman comes up the garden path with an alsation on a leash.
"Just my luck!" she sobs. "My house gets burgled and they send a blind policeman!"
Last word
You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men.
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