Our traditional schools
IF THE devil could have thrown his net … Seldom do you get together under one roof such a collection of rapscallions as at the annual Traditional Schools Lunch at Salt Rock.
And they're a really ancient bunch of rapscallions – balding, greying, portly, wrinkled – heavens, they're showing the years these days, it makes we sprightly fellows quite uncomfortable. Guest speaker John Robbie seemed the youngest there.
Also astonishing is the decadent sense of humour these ancient codgers display. They clicked immediately with the salacious and unrepeatable jokes of MC Pat Smythe (aka Spyker Koekemoer) and were rocking with laughter. Shocking – men their age with their minds on … oh let's skip it.
Pat (an alumnus of Isipingo Primary) learned his trade at Duikers Rugby Club dinners, so nuff said. He also produced a barrage of Irish jokes for the benefit of John Robbie, who played rugby for Ireland and the British Lions before coming out here to play for Transvaal, then settling in as a radio, TV and print media commentator on all kinds of things, not just rugby.
But John gave back as good as he got. I have the impression though that, scanning the almost 200 fellows packed into the dining room at Salt Rock hotel, he felt a little apprehensive, as if he were revisiting Empangeni Rugby Club, where he once was guest speaker at their annual dinner. (And indeed, a sprinkling of Empangeni Rugby Club fellows were there – even at Empangeni they have to go to school, you see. Two were at our table).
John said the dinner at Empangeni Rugby Club started rather late. Then, just as it seemed to be getting into its stride, he telling them entertaining stories about his time with Ireland and the Lions – which he does very well - half the fellows stripped stark naked and ran outside to play touch rugby in the pouring rain, which soon developed into full-on tackling rugby.
"Is it always like this?" he asked one of the Empangeni honchos.
"No, sometimes it gets out of hand."
The anecdote seemed to enthuse the Empangeni fellows present. One at our table launched into a lively account of matches between Empangeni and Richards Bay. It sounded a bit like the Wars of the Roses.
Yes, the traditional schools – Hilton, Michaelhouse, Maritzburg College, St Charles, Kearsney, DHS, Glenwood, Westville, Northwood – they're the glue of our society.
The fellows were still milling about the lunch tables when I had to leave about 6pm for the Jazzy Rainbow, in Durban. They were lubricated and excitable. It would not surprise me to learn that a game of touch rugby ensued on the lawn in front of the Salt Rock hotel, sans pantaloons – they seemed in that sort of mood - but if it did transpire I was not there to record it.
At the Jazzy Rainbow it was a farewell to Dutch jazz guitarist Jim Gorrisen and the locals he teamed up with on his annual tour of South Africa – a splendid affair, a full band backing vocalists Shomon and Thulile Zama. Their rendition of Dancing Cheek To Cheek is simply superb.
All that was missing was the Empangeni Rugby Club. Next time maybe.
Sugar tax
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener suggests, in his latest grumpy newsletter, a novel approach to the issue of a sugar tax.
"While it is pretty much certain that many people put on weight if they consume too many carbohydrates, the niggling suspicion remains that the government is really revenue-seeking and is not that fussed about the population's poundage.
"For many manual labourers fortunate enough to get a job of digging, lifting and carrying, their affordable meal time choice is often just half a loaf and a bottle of Coke and very few of these chaps look overweight.
"On the other hand, the parliamentary pews are packed with prodigiously portly prattlers. So what about getting them to set an example and demonstrate the benefit of cutting out the carbs? Only those MPs who can prove that they have lost weight since their last appearance will be allowed to speak."
Tailpiece
Bank robber: "Give me the money or you're geography!"
Cashier: "You mean history?"
Bank robber: "Don't change the subject!"
Last word
So vast is art, so narrow human wit. - Alexander Pope
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