Perils of high heels
I WAS astonished to read in last week's GOODLIFE supplement of the risks taken by women wearing high heels.
The altitude of these smart and sexy high heels ranges from 4cm to 13cm and the number of accidents caused by them almost doubled between 2002 and 2012, according to Dr Ina Diener, of the South African Society of Physiotherapy.
High heels alter a girl's centre of gravity, Dr Diener says. Although 72% of injuries caused by stumbles are to the ankle or foot, an astonishing 16.6% are to the upper body.
Women are advised by Dr Diener to wear low heels most days and about the house.
"High heels should be a treat like red velvet cake or a tiara," she says. "Perfect for special occasions when you want to feel smart, sexy and feminine, not for daily working and standing."
Yes, we all like the sight of a girl in high heels. They seem to make her body move in a most interesting way.
But who would have thought they were so dangerous? Is there anything we men can do about it?
Not much it seems. But the least we can do if we notice a girl teetering on her high heels is come to her assistance – seize her by the buttocks and hold on until she stabilises.
I tried it over the weekend at La Lucia Mall. The gals were effusive in their gratitude.
Prince Charles
THE above recalls the story of Prince Charles on a visit to South Africa. He's being served lunch in a restaurant in Malmesbury.
"My dear," he says to the waitress. "I love the way you roll your r-s."
"Ag, thank you. It's these high heels that makes me do it."
Water buffalo
SPLISH-splash, I was takin' a bath … at Kings Park it was a field like a waterlogged sponge, a ball like a slippery bar of soap.
Yet there was some entertaining rugby in the constant downpour, some astonishingly good handling as they splashed about like water buffalo.
The Sharks adapted well to the atrocious conditions – even though they don't stock snorkels at the ground – and did the job in fine style. That try by Inny Radebe, following a brilliant pick-up and break by Curwin Bosch, was a classic. Radebe disappeared underwater for a second or two as he dived over.
When the Lambkin came out at half-time after his long lay-off, he must have wondered if the Sharks have switched to water polo. No doubt he'll soon be turning out for the Boks, but Saturday unfortunately did not provide the conditions for anyone to judge how complete his recovery might be.
Oh dear, the Boks. The negative pundits wuz proved so right. I say nuttin' except to repeat that we need a Rugby Indaba to analyse where our game has gone wrong in the professional era and whether it has become badly structured at provincial and club levels.
Clued-up guys like Naas Botha and Mick Mallett should lead the thing (I've almost forgiven Mallett for dropping Gary Teichmann as Bok captain).
Helicopters
FORMER All Blacks captain Richie McCaw is now flying helicopters, we're told.
It's as well he's retired from rugby. McCaw was adept enough at pinching ball from an offside position. In a helicopter he'd be unplayable.
Woids
SOME puns come this way. Or are they aphorisms masquerading as puns?
· Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
· When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
· A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tyred.
· In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
· She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
· A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Tailpiece
THIS fellow checks into a holiday hotel on a tropical island. From the jungle he hears drums. He goes to the beach. He hears drums. In the bar that evening he hears the same drums. In bed that night they're still drumming from the jungle.
At the reception desk next morning he asks: "What's with the drums? Do they never stop? They're driving me nuts.
"Drums must not stop, sir."
"Why not?"
"Because when drums stop, bass solo follows."
Last word
Slap a mask on a drunk and you're going to have trouble. It's like having a live re-enactment of anonymous forum comments.
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