Glaring yellow eyes
STOCK farmers in Botswana have taken to painting glaring yellow eyes on the backsides of cattle, to frighten away lions as they creep up intent on making a kill.
It's still very much in the experimental stage, according to the BBC, but in a herd of cattle near Maun, a third of which had been eye-painted – one on either side of the tail – lions killed three of the unpainted cows and none of the 28 that had been painted.
The eyes – very fierce-looking and fluorescent - are applied with cut shapes of foam rubber attached to a wooden board. They last three or four weeks, after which they have to be re-applied.
The programme is the idea of an Australian, Neil Jordan, who got the idea from watching lion stalking impala and is working with Botswana stock farmers who are finding lions an increasing menace to their operations and are willing to try anything.
Local experts are sceptical, however. Kevin Richardson, a South African animal behaviourist says: "Honestly, I think this is wishful thinking but I'll gladly eat my words if it works."
There could be something in it. In the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties the other evening, I was approaching and admiring a most shapely female derriere when suddenly I was shocked by a pair of glaring yellow eyes.
She was a female contortionist – absolutely terrifying! You don't have to be a Botswana lion to turn tail and run!
Splat!
LISA Lobree was walking to her regular exercise class in Philadelphia, in the US, when splat! – a 2kg catfish dropped out of the sky, hitting her in the face and knocking her to the ground.
This was startling because catfish – what we would call barbel – are not known for taking to the air. They are creatures of the rivers, lakes and sometimes the sea. Lisa also suffered a cut under her left eye and some facial swelling.
But the worst of it was the pong – that was even worse than the mystery. It took ages for her to wash it off, she says.
How did this catfish get airborne? The consensus, according to the Huffington Post, is that it must have fallen from the talons of a bird of prey. One fellow says he's noticed before a bald eagle eating fish in a tall tree in the vicinity.
An accident no doubt. It would be serious indeed if bald eagles have taken to deliberately dive-bombing the citizens of Philadelphia with catfish.
UK mess
IF YOU think politics are a mess in the US, they're not so tidy in the UK either.
The Brits have voted to leave the EU (by the flimsiest majority in a campaign marked by a barrage of lies from both sides) but nobody seems to have a clue how this can actually be achieved.
Former prime minister David Cameron, who campaigned to stay in the EU but lost, has now stepped down altogether as an MP.
Referendums have been his downfall. When the Scots wanted a referendum on independence, maximum devolution or the status quo, Cameron insisted it should be all or nothing – full independence or the status quo. As the campaign progressed and it became clear that nobody wanted the status quo, he hastily granted maximum devolution in advance.
Cameron came within a whisker of breaking up the United Kingdom.
Did he learn from this? No. Next it was a referendum on the EU, to which he was fully committed. How foolhardy was that referendum? He didn't have to call it, whatever the restiveness in his own party. That had been going on for 43 years.
Spare us the Cameron memoirs. His most positive phase was the five-year coalition with the Liberal Democrats.
The Tories are now wrangling over implementing Brexit. Boris the Menace is getting into full stride. We ain't seen nuttin'. This is going to be messy.
But at least it takes your mind off Jozini and Nquthu.
Tailpiece
He (sitting at the computer): "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you, my love!"
She (from the kitchen): "You already do, you lazy bastard!"
Last word
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln
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