Shock horror drama
ARE the headlines in this newspaper a little too demure, lacking in pungency?" A reader sends in an item from the Scottish Daily Record, headed: "Drunken bucking bronco gran jailed for biting Orangemen's legs at Ayrshire village fun day."
Why does the Mercury not produce lively headlines like this? he asks.
That is a humdinger, it's true. It's arresting, it grabs the attention, which is the purpose of newspaper headlines. But the headline writer had the advantage in this case of having some rather lively facts in front of him.
The drunken gran was really rotten drunk. She was fighting and pushing kids out of the way so she could get onto the fairground bucking bronco. Two Orangemen from the Young Conquerors Orange Band tried to stop her, eventually sitting on her in an attempt to subdue her, which was when she attacked their legs with her teeth.
And all of this was recounted in court, along with her previous convictions which included assaulting her ex-boyfriend and his brother; and fighting with four police officers when stopped for a breath test while driving.
It's a gift for a headliner writer. It doesn't happen every day. It recalls another famous headline in the erstwhile News of the World, in capitals across a double page spread: "NUDIST CAMP MANAGER FINDS MODEL WIFE NAKED IN BED WITH CHINESE HYPNOTIST FROM CO-OP BACON FACTORY."
Again, the kind of thing that doesn't happen every day. The headline writer pounces on his chance.
Yet one takes the point raised by this reader. It's as well to keep an eye on localities such as the Bluff for similar opportunities. Okay, we don't have Orangemen and Orange Bands on the Bluff, but we do have some high-spirited and colourful grans. Bring them into contact with liquor and fairground bucking broncos and the outcome could be spectacular.
Collecting funds
WHICH recalls the occasion of the young lad on the Bluff who was collecting funds on behalf of the Brighton Beach Boys' Brigade Bugle Band.
He opened a garden gate, walked up a long zigzag path to a house perched on top of the hill and rang the doorbell. A little old lady answered the door.
"Good morning, madam. I'm collecting funds on behalf of the Brighton Beach Boys' Brigade Bugle Band and I wonder if you would consider …"
"Eh?" She cupped a hand at her ear. "You'll have to speak up, I'm deaf."
"Madam" – he spoke loudly – "I'm collecting funds on behalf of the Brighton Beach Boys' Brigade Bugle Band and I wonder if you would consider …
"Eh? Speak up, boy, I'm deaf!"
"Madam – he roared – "I'm collecting funds on behalf of the Brighton Beach Boys' Brigade Bugle Band and I wonder if you would consider …"
"You'll have to speak up, boy, I'm deaf!".
He gave up. He turned and made his way back again down the zigzag path. As he got to the gate, the little old lady called down: "Little boy, don't forget to close the gate!"
"Oh, bugger you!" he said under his breath,
"And bugger the Brighton Beach Boys' Brigade Bugle Band also!"
Security flap
RUGBY news from Australia. The Springboks' rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The coach immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the tryline.
Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.n
Scary thought
DAVE Peters, of Kloof, reminds us of some lines by HL Mencken : "As democracy is perfected, the office of the president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folk of the land will have their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
Oh dear, does this mean Trump is going to make it?
Tailpiece
A SOUTH African visits an establishment on Hamburg's famous Reeperbahn. But soon uproar breaks out, there are squeals of dismay from the girls and cries of "Pervert!" A bouncer shows him the door.
Poor guy. All he did was ask if he could pay in rands.
Last word
Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.
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