Trump goes Mexicano
THE Donald Trump presidential election campaign in the US has been bizarre from the start. Could it become more so? It could indeed. Trump has been bellowing from the start about his intention to build a high wall along the border with Mexico to keep out rapists and drug dealers. The Mexicans will have to pay for it, he insists.
Mexican President Pena Nieto – and Latinos generally – have been outraged and insulted.
Then Nieto apparently invited both Hillary Clinton and Trump for neighbourly talks, never dreaming for a second that Trump would accept. But accept he did. He was down there in the enemy's territory in a flash, to embarrassment all round, for some stiltedly polite platitudes.
At this point, according to satirist Andy Borowitz, writing in the New Yorker, President Obama sent Nieto $5 billion in exchange for keeping Trump in Mexico for the rest of his natural life, insisting he also grant him Mexican citizenship.
But if this is true it seems not to have worked. Next thing Trump was back in Arizona telling cheering supporters that his Mexico wall is very much on and though the Mexicans might not realise it, they are going to pay.
Back to Borowitz. He also says Trump's vice-presidential running mate, Mike Pence, governor of Indiana, attempted to flee the campaign bus after a "bathroom stop" at a McDonald's in rural Virginia in the early hours.
When he did not return to the bus after 20 minutes, Trump staffers fanned out across the Virginia back country, where the governor was believed to have fled.
"After 45 minutes of searching, however, campaign officials located a bedraggled and dazed Pence walking along Virginia State Route 287, where the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee was attempting unsuccessfully to hitch a ride. A sobbing Pence returned to the bus."
He quotes Hope Hicks, Trump's press secretary, as saying this was an insignificant incident in a long and exhausting campaign: "We're grateful to have Mike Pence back with us, and we won't let him get away again."
It all becomes increasingly bewildering. Borowitz is the only thread of sanity in the thing.
Splish-splash
ON OUR TV screens in recent days we've had figures in outlandish costume diving and splashing about in what appeared to be thick, sloshy mud.
It turned out to be the World Gravy Wrestling Championships outside the Rose 'n Bowl pub in Stacksteads, Lancashire, England. These are what the name suggests.
That's a relief. I thought for a moment it was the outfield at Kingsmead.
Another big 'un
WELL, here we go for five out of five. We saw off the Bulls last week in a nailbiter and if we can do the same with Western Province tomorrow, we're on the hallelujah trail. This Currie Cup season gets better and better.
How was Curwin Bosch getting a full house last week – penalty, try, conversion, drop goal? And Inny Radebe at flyhalf? Cool, collected, getting his line moving in fine style. Terrific defence.
Here's a youg side that's building, game by game. A coach who's encouraging them to go for it. It gets better every game. 'Erewego, 'erewego 'erewego!
The place to watch, of course, is the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties, where the gals are already strumming at their knicker elastic in anticipation of the celebratory feu de joie, when the streetlights are shot out with catapults fashioned from the elastic.
But this time I shan't be there, I'm afraid. I'll be up in Maritzburg for a get-together with my Collegians clubmates of yesteryear. I expect it will be rather sedate – a bit of chess and that kind of thing. Then maybe dancing girls and gypsy fiddlers. Plus bok-bok. Then maybe shooting up the dartboard with a shotgun. They're very tasteful and traditional at Maritzburg Collegians. Things build up slowly.
Tailpiece
A TRAFFIC cop draws level with a car that is speeding on the highway. To his astonishment he sees the woman behind the wheel is knitting. He winds down his window and yells: "Pull over!"
"No! Scarf!"
Last word
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
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