US soapie runs on
THE American presidential election campaign comes increasingly to resemble a soapie. Who could script this kind of thing?
Hillary Clinton describes Donald Trump's supporters – half of them anyway – as a "basket of deplorables", to which she attaches all kinds of "isms" and phobias.
This is pretty pungent stuff but it breaks entirely new ground. Usually you attack your opponent in personal terms, not his supporters who you're trying to persuade to support you instead.
It sends shudders through the Democrat machine. The Trump crowd pounce on it as a deliberate insult to "millions of hard-working Americans."
Hillary half-apologises but before the issue can gather more steam she collapses at the 9/11 memorial in New York.
It turns out she's suffering from pneumonia. Trump has already rather solicitously said Hillary is too fragile to be president. She doesn't have the stamina.
There's surely no reason why Hillary should not recover fast from this bout of pneumonia and go on to serve at president if she wins. But already all kinds of even non-hostile people are asking whether the Democrats will have to find a new candidate.
Will Hillary get a sympathy vote from the uncommitted? Will voters think she's not tough enough to last the course? Will the "insulted" hard-working Americans rise in their wrath?
What a soapie! You couldn't make it up.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump has emphasised his fitness to be commander-in-chief, on the grounds that at his rallies he has ordered many people to hit other people.
"In the heat of the moment, you have to decide who is going to hit which person, when, and how hard. I have ordered more people to attack other people than most of our generals have."
The outcome of the fights at his rallies shows he has the judgment necessary to be commander-in-chief, he says. "You always want to make the bigger guy hit the littler guy. That's how you win."
Asked about his strategy for defeating Isis, Trump said: "What I learned from my rallies is that you never tell people in advance how you're going to attack them. You wait until they least expect it, and you sucker-punch them in the face. That's what I would do to Isis."
He contrasted his extensive experience ordering people to attack one another with Hillary Clinton's "complete lack of experience" in the same arena.
"You look at her rallies, no one's hitting anybody, she's not telling anybody to hit anybody, and people are just sitting there. It's a disgrace."
This is, of course, satirist Andy Borowitz in the New Yorker. But he's the only straight writer covering the thing these days.
Kiddies' classics
MORE children's exam answers:
· What type of attractive force or bond holds the sodium ions and chloride ions together in a crystal of sodium chloride? – "James Bond."
· Briefly explain what hard water is. "Ice."
· What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common? – "Unusual names."
· Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements. – "Learning to speak Latin."
· Name one measure that can be put into place to avoid river flooding in areas of extensive rainfall (eg in Mississippi). – "Flooding in areas such as Mississippi may be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river."
· Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic. – "Two polar bears. Four seals."
· How does Romeo's character develop throughout the play? – "It doesn't, it's just self, self, self, all the way through."
· Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld. – "Mrs Orpheus."
· What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register? – "Mariah Carey."
· Explain the phrase free press? – "When your mum irons trousers for you."
· Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health? - "You might walk into it."
· Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone computer system? – "It doesn't come with a chair."
· Steve is driving a car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40mph. Is Steve speeding? – "He could find out by checking his speedometer."
· Where was Hadrian's Wall? – "Around Hadrian's garden."
You can't fault the logic.
Tailpiece
THEY met in the local bean restaurant. It was instant inflatulation.
Last word
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. - HL Mencken
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