Ugly mood abroad
THIS weekend it's a rugby bye for the Boks and the Sharks. A time for reflection. Saru have called the Rugby Indaba we so desperately need to fix our game, but it's only in late October and anyway it will be looking medium to long term. It can do nothing to fix things over coming weeks.
Restiveness is taking hold. An ugly mood is abroad. A report comes in from a fellow who says he left on the front seat of his car two tickets for the Test against the All Blacks at Kings Park on October 10.
"Some swine smashed my window and threw in four more tickets!"
From Switzerland (of all places) I receive what purports to be a grocery flier: "Oxo beef stock; Oxo chicken stock; Springbok laughing stock."
This is most painful. Even in the cantons of Switzerland they're rolling about laughing and cracking jokes about our rugby. "Le rugby Sud Africaine? Tres drol! Der Schpringbok ist dumkopf, ha, ha! Mama mia, hee hee!"
What do we do in the short term? Creative thinking is required. Such thinking is supplied by a reader who always calls himself NDC.
Pat Lambie has to be back in the side. He needs to practise his distance kicking. Saru have to appoint a football referee for the Test.
Then: Lambie kicks off. The All Blacks gather. The ref blows for handball. Lambie places the ball and kicks a penalty. That's 3-0.
The All Blacks kick off. Nobody gathers. Somebody kicks the ball straight back, football style.
The All Blacks catch it. The ref blows for handball. Lambie places the ball. He kicks the penalty – 6-0 … You get the picture? We run out winning by three times how many penalties you can kick in 80 minutes.
Well, at least somebody's thinking creatively.
Wine notes
SOME weekend fare:
· T-shirt: "Not to get technical … but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution."
· Letter: "Dear Alcohol
"We had a deal that you would make me prettier, funnier and a better dancer.
"I saw the video. We need to talk."
· Pub slate: "Of course size matters – no-one wants a small glass of wine."
· Pub slate: "People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable."
· Wine tanker sign: "In case of accident bring cheese and crackers. Lots and lots of cheese and crackers."
· Pub slate: "Did you know that two to three glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a damn?"
| Quiz time PUB quiz: · How long did the Hundred Years' War last? · Which country makes Panama hats? · From which animal do we get catgut? · In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? · What is a camel's hair brush made of? · The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what? · What was King George VI's first name? · What colour is a purple finch? · Where are Chinese gooseberries from? · What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Answers:116 years; Ecuador; sheep and horses; November; squirrel fur; dogs; Albert; crimson; New Zealand; orange. You've gotta be up early to beat the quiz maestros at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. | | |
Now destitute
PARK bench interview with a homeless man:
"Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet and I went to the gym, the pool and the library.
"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage."
"What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that. I just got out of prison."
Tailpiece
A HALF-DROWNED man washes up on Addington beach. A team from the hospital rush down and give resuscitation. They put him on a stomach pump. Litres of salt water come gushing out, seaweed, some small fish and crabs.
It goes on and on. There seems no end to it. Salt water, seaweed, fish, crabs.
A bystander taps one of the doctors on the shoulder. "Excuse me, I'm an engineer. Shouldn't you take the bottom end out of the water?"
Last word
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
G K Chesterton
No comments:
Post a Comment