Shrugging them off

TELEMARKETING is a blight of our times. Our telephone numbers seem to be in the clutches of all kinds of commercial organisations. The phone rings and it's some total stranger asking if he/she can have five minutes of your time.

This is a confounded cheek. The appropriate response is: "Sure, I charge my time at R1 000 an hour. I'm a consultant in advanced mechanical engineering, you see. Five minutes? Okay, that's R83.33. Do you want my banking details?"

But usually we're not quick enough on the uptake. We say er, um and end up listening to the spiel. But here's a formula for dealing with telemarketing. Readers are welcome to cut it out and paste it up by the telephone.

·         When they ask "How are you today?" tell them. "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

·         If he says he's John Doe from XYZ Company, ask himto spell his name. Then ask him to spell the company name. Then ask where the company is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. Such as: When did the company start, who was the founder, is he still with the company?

·         Cry out in surprise at the name of the telemarketer "Judy! Is that you? Oh my goodness! Judy, how have you been?" This will throw Judy right off kilter.

·         If somebody tries to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can: "I don't have any friends ... would you like to be my friend?"

·         If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

·         Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if he/she could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

·         After the telemarketer gives the spiel, ask him/her to marry you. Say you couldn't just give your credit card details to a complete stranger.

·         Tell the telemarketer you're busy. If he/she will give a home phone number you'll call back. When the telemarketer explains that the home number can't be given out, you say: "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer agrees and you say: "Now you know how I feel."

·         Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

·         Important. Tell the telemarketer to speak very slowly because you want to write down every word.

You're sure to shrug them off. You might even be put on some sort of telemarketers' "Do not call" blacklist. That's first prize.

Advanced shrug-off

HOWEVER, nothing compares with a telemarketing shrug-off developed in America. The prototype goes something like this:

Tring-tring!

"Hello."

"Good morning. Is that Hiram J Schumacher? This is Joe Delaney from ..."

"Hold it a second, Joe!" He bawls to a third party. "That's it, I want photographs of the body. Also, dust for fingerprints." He's back directly into the mouthpiece. "You there, Joe?"

"Yes."

"This is Detective O'Flaherty from Homicide. Don't you hang up on me, Joe, we've already got your call traced. Now, why are you phoning the deceased?"

"Deceased, I ..."

"Yes, you've called in on a murder scene. Now what was your relationship with the deceased?"

"I didn't know him."

"So you're calling a guy you didn't know?"

"I ..."

" Look Joe, come clean! Where are you right now?"

Joe gives a call centre address several states away. Detective O'Flaherty bawls another order. "Get the Sheriff's office in Louisville, Kentucky! Tell them to pick up this guy and bring him across for questioning!"

"I think you need to speak to my supervisor ..."

Another bawled order: "Tell the Sheriff's office to pick up this guy's supervisor as well!"

No sale. This is an advanced shrug-off.

 

Tailpiece

AN EXPERIMENTAL car runs on chip fat and has shown itself to be wonderfully economical in fuel consumption and to emit negligible fumes. One drawback: you have to stop every 50km to change the vinegar.

Last word

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Evan Esar