Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Idler, Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sudden big whack

A DEFUNCT German satellite has returned to earth at high speed but nobody knows where it – or its fragments - have hit. The scientists say Rosat, which was the size of a van, would have mostly burned up as it re-entered the earth's atmosphere. But about 30 fragments, weighing 1.87 tons, are thought to have crashed somewhere.

They say there is so far nothing to determine above which continent or country Rosat re-entered. It appears to have missed any populated area.

I'm not so sure. Those scientists should speak to Bheki Cele, Gwen Mahlangu-Nkabinde and Sicelo Siceka. They've suddenly taken a big whack out of nowhere.

Box clever!

THE LAST Javan rhino in Vietnam has been killed by poachers, who sawed off its horn. It's a familiar story. When will we read the same about our own two species of rhino?

And when will we learn to box clever?

The reason rhino are being poached so relentlessly in south-east Asia and southern Africa is that Chinese men believe rhino horn gingers up their sex life. It's absolute hogwash, of course. Rhino horn has much the same chemical properties as toenail clippings, and toenail clippings are not noted for enlivening the boudoir.

But you can't counter sexual superstition. And China's economic boom has created a vast new category of men with disposable income and a yearning for increased virility. They will pay anything for rhino horn, hence the international poaching syndicates, the helicopters, the walkie-talkies, the huge bribes. Also, very probably, the unscrupulous private owners of rhino who are ready to sell horn on the sly.

The answer, surely, is to make rhino horn available in a controlled manner; bring down the price and put the poachers out of business. Many in the conservation world are looking seriously at this. A significant quantity of rhino horn becomes available through natural attrition. Why not market it? Why not ship rhino to China so they can breed there, setting up a local supply of horn? Give the guys their placebo on the cheap.

The tree-huggers would go ballistic. But what's more important – the tree-huggers or the survival of rhino as a species?

Bar talk

 

OVERHEARD in a local hostelry: "I just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service."

 

 

Scots gold

And me and my true love will never meet again

On the bonny, bonny dumps of Loch Lomond …

 

IT SEEMS there are plans to develop Scotland's first commercial gold mine in Loch Lomond National Park. A mining company, Scotgold, has asked for permission to extract millions of pounds' worth of gold and silver from a hillside at Cononish, near Tyndrum.

It's 500 years since gold was successfully mined in Scotland, but the high price of precious metals now makes the project cost-effective. Scotgold says more than £50million worth of gold and silver are waiting to be extracted from the site.

It will be interesting to see how this can be reconciled with Loch Lomond's wild natural beauty; whether the company really would be able to restore the landscape at the end of a 10-year licence.

 

KZN gold

THERE'S gold in them thar hills. KwaZulu-Natal has several gold mines that were abandoned in the 1930s when Britain went off the gold standard and they became uneconomical. One is at Nkandla, home territory of President Zuma, and another is not too far away in the Msimba gorge.

The second I knew as a schoolboy. The shaft was perfectly safe to walk in, having been blasted horizontally from rock.

The interesting thing is that the gold never ran out; it was the international price in the 30s that made these mines uneconomical. Would they be viable today?

Nature notes

DEFINITION of a centipede: an inchworm gone metric.

Social research

RESEARCH in Cornwall suggests that customs have changed little over the centuries. Many a man sleeps every night with a battle-axe at his side.

Tailpiece

Cowboy: "Three packs of condoms please".

Counter assistant: "Do you want a paper bag?"

Cowboy: "Nah ... she ain't that ugly."

 

Last word

Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them.

Paul Valery

 

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