Capitalism strikes back
AS PROTESTERS against the banking system occupy Wall Street, as well as the financial districts of various cities around the world, a leading New York banking and investment giant has spoken out. A letter addresses investors:
"Up until now, this banking and investment group has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question: How can we make money off them?
"The answer is the newly launched Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetise the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. We recognise that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there's plenty of money to be made on the way down.
"The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.
"It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say: 'Let them eat cake.' But we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.
"Please contact your local representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters: 'Occupy this.' We haven't felt so good about something we sold since our souls."
Yes, Marx never did grasp the resilience of capitalism. As they say on Wall Street: When the ducks quack, feed 'em!
PJ O'Rourke
A READER sends in quotes from American writer PJ O'Rourke:
· Mankind is supposed to have evolved in the treetops. But I have examined my sense of balance, the prehensility of my various appendages, and my attitude toward standing on anything higher than, say, political principles, and I have concluded that, personally, I evolved in the backseat of a car.
· Most of the research about species extinction has been conducted on islands because islands are controlled environments and scientists can get drinks with little umbrellas in them there ... Island logic also tells us that an increase in habitat size means an increase in number of species. But it doesn't necessarily. You can build your bed as large as you like and still get very few people to sleep with you.
·
· Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.
Adventure weekend
THE STEAM buffs of the Southern Districts are stoking things up again. They offer an overnight adventure trip on a steam train from Creighton to the Ngwakane Valley on the weekend of November 5 and 6.
The Shayamoya Express will pull out from Creighton at 10.30 am on the Saturday and stop in the valley overnight, where participants will either camp in the train (bringing their own sleeping bags) or outside in their own tents. It will return to Creighton at 2pm next day.
All meals are included in the ticket cost (R250 a person) and a cash bar will operate.
Also on offer will be: exploration of the upper reaches of the Ngwakane Gorge (which includes waterfall abseiling) at R200 a person; paintball fighting (R50); whitewater rafting on the Ngwakane River (R300); and whitewater kayaking on the Ngwakane (R50).
Bookings: kznrail@futurenet.co.za or 039-8342963/072-5149070/072-4301247.
The Shayamoya Express runs on the broad-gauge Cape-Natal line, operated by the Paton Country Railway, a company not for profit that also has a narrow-gauge steam train based at Ixopo. The aim is to promote tourism in the scenic Southern Districts.
Tailpiece
SCIENTISTS say 92 percent of all R10 notes carry germs. But that can't be true. Not even a germ could live on R10.
Last word
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
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