The Idler, Monday, October 14, 2011

Back to the future   THE WORLD has gone off kilter. We can trace it all to events in the United States where greed and corruption have so infected the financial system that the very basis of our civilisation is threatened worldwide.   Governments rack up unrepayable debt. The dollar – traditional bedrock of international finance - is suspect. Street mobs rampage in the world's capitals. Society is being trashed. And the Americans, who allowed it all to happen, stand there wringing their hands.   Will anyone step in to restore order? I have it ton good authority that in recent days an e-mail has gone from Buckingham Palace to the White House. It reads, in part:   "In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and your tendency to elect incompetent presidents - therefore being not able to govern yourselves -  we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence. Your new prime minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America. "The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed."   "To aid in the transition to a British crown dependency, the following rules are introduced:   ·         The letter "u" will be reinstated in words such as "color", "favor",' "labor" and neighbor." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise". Generally you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. ·         There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted. ------------------- ·         July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.   ·         You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. - ·         All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left. ·         The former USA will adopt British prices for petrol. ·         You will learn to make real chips. ·         Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. ·         You will cease playing American football. The really brave among you will be allowed top play rugby. You will cease playing baseball. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the Australians. ·         You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ·         A tax collector will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies due, backdated to 1776. ·         Tea begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers, never mugs.   "Welcome back!"

Yes, desperate measures for desperate times. Remember where you read it first

Growing panic

IN HIS LATEST grumpy newsletter, investment analyst Dr James Greener provides trenchant analysis of events in Libya.

"Plenty of politicians and others who should have known better have, over the years, travelled to Tripoli to shake the Colonel's hand, give him a hug and enquire about the health of his oilfields and treasury. They must now all be pretty alarmed at what has befallen their friend whose last move was into a storm drain in an unsuccessful attempt to avoid his constituents.

"One of the downsides about being the boss of a country is that you meet some rather unsavoury characters in the course of your job. The sleaziest are often themselves leaders of nations. Our own president seemingly has not yet met a despot he doesn't like and he is currently entertaining the rather unappealing president of Equatorial Guinea. The two of them were probably sitting side by side on the newly upholstered presidential couch watching with growing panic the TV images of angry citizens all over the world venting their fury at the lifestyles and habits of the rich, famous and corrupt. The staff would have been instructed to double-check that the electric fence was properly switched on."

 

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Tailpiece

WHY IS PSYCHOTHERAPY so much quicker and easier for men than for women? Because when you have to take a man back to his childhood, he's already there.

 

Last word

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and colour, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon.

George Aiken