The Good Book
MORE biblical studies. Last week we looked at a primary school child's summary of the Bible. Now reader Gerald Sieberhagen sends in some replies written by children in tests at a Catholic elementary school.
One has to admire those nuns, the way they can keep a straight face while marking. (The replies are repeated with the kids' original spellings and grammar):
| · In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so He took the Sabbath off.
· Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and Ark and the animals came on in pears.
· Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. · The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. · Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. · Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles. · Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. · The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. · The First Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. · The Sixth Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. · Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. · The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. · David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. · Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. · When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. · Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. · St John the Blacksmith dumped water on His head. · Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. · The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels. · The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles. · One of the Opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan. · St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige. · Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. |
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Great stuff! My old professor used to tell us we couldn't hope to major in English unless we'd read every line by Shakespeare plus the King James Bible twice. I'm beginning to see what she meant.
Smartphones
RESEARCH in Britain tells us that one in eight married couples/sweetheart couples spend more time on the smartphone than talking to the other half of the relationship.
That might well be so. But have the researchers gone into this deeply enough? So obsessed with electronic gadgetry are many people nowadays that even pillow talk is conducted by smartphone.
Boris the Menace
BORIS Johnson, Mayor of London, is one of the more engaging characters of the British political scene. A public schoolboy with a tangle of blond hair, he rides a bicycle to work every day and has a penchant for Cockney slang.
Satirical magazine Private Eye has dubbed him "Boris the Menace", after the tearaway character, Dennis the Menace (who has a tangle of jetblack hair), in the Beano comic.
Many see Johnson as the successor to Prime Minister David Cameron. In a BBC interview he pooh-poohs the idea – then goes on to suggest that a referendum on Britain's relationship with the European Union mightn't be a bad idea.
Now why would they call him Boris the Menace?
Tailpiece
A MEXICAN, an Irishman, a Pole, a kilted Scot, a priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar.
Landlord: "What the heck's this? Some kind of joke?"
Last word
No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets.
Edward Abbey
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