A lament on the wind
O flower of Scotland, when will ye learrn tae finish the game?
It's a full eighty minutes, it's no' just seventy-nane;
Ye've done it twice in a row now
And now ye're a' goin' hame ...
WAS IT IMAGINATION or was that a lament which skirled over a vast distance from the Land of the Long White Underpants as the Scots again fluffed it in the closing minutes? Or was it a squawk of indignation from Wordsworth as Lady Linda made triumphant if unorthodox use of the bagpipes as the Sassenachs snatched victory?
I refer, of course, to the soap opera that has been running on the blog of former Mercury columnist Wordsworth (aka John MacDonald) since he and Lady Linda set out on their odyssey to New Zealand by tramp steamer and biplane.
Readers will recall that Wordsworth missed the sailing from Dubai to Singapore, leaving Lady Linda in the company of Ukrainians and Filipinos who spoke no English, drank no booze, consumed large quantities of salted dried fish and played ping-pong all day.
That caused tensions. But they were as nothing to the looming encounter in the pool section between England and Scotland. When Scotland blew it in a 30-second dwaal against Argentina, the tensions became unbearable because suddenly Scotland simply had to beat the Sassenachs or get on the next plane home.
Then when they again led the whole way, then again blew it in the dying minutes – well anything could happen. All I've had from Wordsworth is a brief e-mail to say it was like getting a monstrous kick in that region of the anatomy where it really hurts (I didn't know Lady Linda had taken up karate).
But the blog so far remains silent so I can only conjecture. I will keep readers informed.
Stop the presses!
MORE news from the Land of the Long White Nightshirt: "Samoa have replaced Fiji as an automatic qualifier for the eighth edition of the Rugby World Cup to be held in England in 2015 ..."
Edition? Who wrote it? Who edited it? Who proofread it? Who printed it?
Come on, fellows. It's the eighth Rugby World Cup.
The shake-out
THE WAY THINGS have shaken out, it has to be Northern Hemisphere versus Southern Hemisphere in the final. There's no way it can end up with the Boks – current holders – meeting New Zealand – the hosts - in a grand crescendo. Nor Australia. If we (or Australia) are to play the All Blacks it will be at semi-final stage.
But it's not too late to win money on this. You still get plenty of bar-room punters who are willing to bet on it being the Boks versus the All Blacks in the final. But do it fast before the maths sinks in.
Midweek match
WHO REMEMBERS that sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus – Derby Council versus the All Blacks:
"Derby Council eight points to three up and Derby Council have got the ball against the head. There's the Borough Surveyor ... the Chairman of the Highway and By-way Committee has kicked for touch. The line-out - and it's into the line-out and the Mayor has got the ball again. To the Borough Surveyor who's left out the Medical Officer of Health. Straight along the line to the Lady Mayoress and the Lady Mayoress has got to go through. Number two has missed her - only the fullback to beat and she's scored! The Lady Mayoress has scored, it's eleven points to three …"
Lovely stuff! And it was visual too.
Tailpiece
AN IRISH scrumhalf is standing before the Pearly Gates. A voice booms: "Seamus O'Reilly, is there any sin you have not confessed?"
O'Reilly: "Well yes dere is. It was a test against England. Dere was a ruck right on de English line. As Oi took de ball Oi fumbled. Oi knocked on. But de ref missed it. Oi went over and scored, we won de test. But it's always bothered me conscience."
Voice: "Seamus O'Reilly, that is no sin at all. You may enter."
O'Reilly: "Oh, tank you St Peter, tank you!"
Voice: "It's St Peter's day off. Dis is St Patrick."
Last word
Every time I went to tackle him, Horrocks went one way, Taylor went the other and all I got was the bloody hyphen. - Nick England (on trying to stop Phil Horrocks-Taylor)
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