World Cup count-down
ONCE more unto the breach, dear friends ... the crunch is on, sudden death. Either we take the Van Diemenslanders to the cleaners or we take the next plane home. The World Cup is suddenly at a new pitch.
Reader Richard Andersson provides a pretty nifty resume of the competition so far:
So far so good, with a bit of luck,
Not very pretty, but a lot of pluck.
Close shave that one with Wales,
Managed to weather the stormy gales.
Then came Fiji, more our style,
Made us happy for a while.
Our brothers, cousin's from South-West,
Hardly put us to the test.
As for Samoa, the Third World War,
They don't play rugby anymore.
To say the ref was poor or blind,
Putting it mildly, that would be kind.
Now for the Aussies, loud and bold,
Will they blow hot, or will they blow cold?
Never know what to expect,
One week poor, good the next.
We have to win this one to stay,
To live to fight another day.
Yes, it's do or die. But we're in with a great chance. Where best to watch?
I'm told a tradition has developed in Florida Road where a favourable result is greeted with a celebratory feu de joie, in which the streetlights are shot out with catapults fashioned from the ladies' knicker elastic. This could be the place to be.
More mind games
A RATHER spiteful little item is doing the rounds in cyberspace, a letter purportedly from New Zealand coach Graham Henry to his Australian counterpart, Robbie Deans (a Kiwi who once coached Canterbury and was in contention for Henry's own job before switching to Australia).
"Congratulations on reaching your 50th Test as coach of the Wallabies. What a choice job you've been doing since you first started working for New Zealand Rugby. It has been a long-term task, but the plan to ensure the All Blacks win the World Cup at home in 2011 is coming together perfectly.
"While our plan had many doubters, I always knew in my heart that the Aussies would fall for it. After reaching 50 tests as coach, I think it's only fitting to mention your top 10 highlights of sabotage to date:
· Losing to Ireland
· Giving Rocky Elsom the captaincy of the country he hadn't played for in over two years, then stripping it off him right before the World Cup.
· Losing to Scotland
· Not even getting close to winning back the Bledisloe Cup.
· Not picking a back-up for David Pocock in the World Cup squad.
· Never using the Wallaby bench effectively.
· Not having a back-up game plan.
· Using words like "contest, willing, collision, contact-zone, adaptation" to describe rugby.
· Losing to Samoa.
· Winning only 54 percent of all your games as coach.
"Well done once again and, as planned, we'll see you at Ritchie's after the World Cup to celebrate pulling the wool over the Aussies' eyes."
That's real bitterbek stuff and uncalled for. And who says it's just between the All Blacks and the Wallabies? What will they say when the Boks give the Aussies a pasting this weekend? Apart from anything else, the statistics are on our side. Australia don't beat us three in a row.
Aussie scare
LATEST news from the Land of the Long White Underpants. The Wallabies' rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported an unknown white, powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Robbie Deans immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.
After a thorough analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the tryline. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
Tailpiece
THE SEVEN dwarves go off to work in the mine while Snow White stays home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
But when she gets to the mine with their lunches, there's been a cave-in. There's no sign of the dwarves.
Tearfully she calls into the shaft entrance: "Hello - is anyone there? Can anyone hear me?"
A voice floats up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia for the Rugby World Cup"!
"Thank Heavens," says Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive!"
Last word
Whoso would be a man, must be a non-conformist, and preferably play in the pack. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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