More Empangeni hi-jinks
ANOTHER account of the erratic course of day-to-day life in Zululand. Reader Chris Taylor has a friend who now lives in the charming (and quiet) village of Minchinhampton, in the Cotswolds, England, having survived a baptism of fire (or water anyway) in Empangeni.
Bill Endicott moved to Empangeni from Johannesburg and was told membership of the town club was an absolute must. He made his way there and asked if he could see the secretary. The secretary was in the bar, he was told.
Bill made his way to the bar where he ran straight into a vigorous waterfight – members throwing water at each other with great abandon, and he immediately joined in the fun.
At which the secretary arrived, curtailed the fun and suspended the membership of all participants.
"Bill always said it was the only time he ever was suspended from a club before becoming a member."
That's Zululand for you. I suppose Minchinhampton is a refuge from this kind of thing. Yet you do get hooliganism in these Cotswold villages. In fact I'm told that in Minchinhampton itself there's a deplorable tok-tokkie campaign against the local vicar.
I point no fingers. I just say you can take the man out of Zululand but you can't take Zululand out of the man.
Confident assertions
LYLIE Musgrave, of Durban, sends in a few statements that have not quite stood the test of time:
· "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876.
· "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
· "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
· "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
· "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
· "I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
· "But what ... is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
· "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977
· "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
Bad to verse
I'D HOPED nobody would mention last Friday's cricket debacle, but two readers have penned some sad poetic lines.
Karl Muller needs tissues:
Their once was a captain named Biff,
Whom reporters got into a tiff;
He thought they were jokers
Who called his team chokers,
But sadly they're right - sniff, sniff!
Richard Andersson has had his worst fears confirmed.
Hate to say I told you so,
Same old story, same old show.
Couldn't chase two ton and twenty,
Runs too few, wickets plenty.
AB sits and sheds a tear,
Of little help is that, I fear.
Never won a knock-out game,
What a pity, what a shame.
Still they don't believe they choke,
For them a league called ''bun and Coke''.
Tomorrow morn the sun will rise,
But, for us, without a prize.
So hurry home, let's start again,
Castle Lager will ease the pain.
Tailpiece
GLASWEGIANS Archie and Jimmy are in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt tae be married in," continues Jimmy.
"A kilt!" exclaims Archie. "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
"Och, A'd imagine she'll be in white."
Last word
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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