Wedding of the year
SOME of Fleet Street's agony aunts have been remarking on the paucity of street parties planned to celebrate this weekend's royal wedding, especially in the north of England. Satirical magazine Private Eye takes it up.
"As wedding fever grips the nation, councils up and down Britain are recording a sensational number of applications for licences to hold street parties.
"From Land's End to John O'Groats, the story is the same. From the Outer Hebrides to inner Croydon, Britain has responded with one voice.
"Yes, a staggering zero applications have been made for joyous outdoor celebrations to mark the historic wedding of Ed Miliband and Justine Thornton.
"Said a council spokesman: 'It's phenomenal. We've never seen anything like it. By my reckoning, there will be no bunting, balloons or banners at all anywhere.'
So as 'Waity Justine' finally gets to marry her dashing politician, Ed, and the handsome young couple walk up the aisle of the registry office accompanied by their children, they will be watched by an estimated global audience of none."
I guess most of us had not registered the news that Miliband, Leader of the Opposition, is to marry his "partner" of six years next month. Private Eye don't miss much.
Dry policing
FRENCH riot police are outraged by plans to stop them taking a chuggalug of wine or beer while having a break from controlling demonstrators.
This follows controversy when photographs appeared of the Compagnies Republicaines de Securite (CRS) drinking beer while policing a student demonstration.
But the police unions protest that the ban interferes with a long-cherished tradition of drinking alcohol with their meals. Apparently when the riot police go out, they routinely have at least a can of beer packed in their lunch box.
According to union boss Didier Mangione, police officers - like most other workers in France - are entitled to "a small quarter-litre of red to accompany meals on the ground".
Zut alors! We just don't ask what our own riot police might have drunk (or smoked) before they go into action.
Dynamite gran
YOU DON'T mess with grannies in the West Country of England, especially not disabled midget grannies.
The granny in question is just five feet tall and was on her way home on a mobility scooter, used by the disabled, in Barnstaple, Devon, when she was set upon by a group of teenage thugs in hoods, who tried to snatch her handbag while they kicked her.
The granny - not named – thought of what her 24 grandchildren would want her to do then headbutted the leader of the gang, breaking his nose. At this the whole lot of them fled.
Grannies 1 – Hoodies 0.
Cruelty
PEOPLE in England keep dropping animals in wheelie-bins. Two nurses in Manchester found a small lamb in a wheelie-bin. It is now being cared for by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Not long ago a woman was fined £250 for dropping a cat into a wheelie-bin.
This cruelty to animals is most distressing. The only live creature that can be justifiably dropped into a wheelie-bin is a door-stepping political canvasser or an encyclopaedia salesman.
Unpropitious
CHINESE firefighters were called to an apartment building in Anshan, Liaoning Province, to rescue a man who was spotted clinging to a ledge five storeys up.
Rescue workers got into the flat from which he seemed to have emerged and tried to pull him in. Another climbed up outside the building to try to push him back in. The whole thing was filmed and put on state television.
Embarrassingly, the rescued man turned out to be not a householder in distress but a burglar for whom things had gone wrong.
Ah, yes. As Confucious say: This not Year of Cat Burglar.
Club news
FROM the minutes: "This week's Yeast Club meeting is now in session ... all rise!"
World news
"World's oldest man dies." (Why does this keep happening?)
Libya latest
NEWSFLASH from Libya - Special forces have captured Colonel Gaddafi and are going to put him somewhere where he can't do harm to anybody ... up front for Arsenal.
Tailpiece
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
Last word
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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