Order in court!
IT SEEMS the vocabulary of the Kalk Bay fishing jetty has suddenly invaded the Cape High Court. According to this news report, an advocate there banged on the desk during an altercation with the presiding judge then proceeded to use language encountered only on fishing jetties and in the more avant-garde novels.
It's most distressing. Has the courtroom rapier been replaced by the bludgeon? Consider these examples of exquisite rudeness in the English courts.
A boy is claiming damages for blindness caused by being run over by a tram.
| Judge: | "Poor boy - poor boy - blind. Put him on a chair so that the jury can see him." |
| Counsel: | "Perhaps your Honour would like to have the boy passed around the jury box." |
| Judge: | "That is a most improper remark." |
| Counsel: | "It was provoked by a most improper suggestion." |
| Judge: | "Mr Smith, have you ever heard of a saying by Bacon - the great Bacon - that youth and discretion are ill-wedded companions?" |
| Counsel: | "Yes, I have. And have you ever heard of a saying by Bacon - the great Bacon - that a much talking Judge is like an ill-tuned cymbal?" |
| Judge: | "You are extremely offensive, young man." |
| Counsel: | "As a matter of fact, we both are, and the only difference between us is that I am trying to be, and you can't help it." |
That's the way! Jou ma se ...
Another exchange:
| Judge: | "I have listened very carefully, Mr Smith, to what you have said, but I am none the wiser." |
| Counsel: | "None the wiser, perhaps, my Lord, but far better informed." |
And yet another:
| Judge: | "What do you suppose that I am on the Bench for, Mr Smith?" |
| Counsel: | "It is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence." |
The barrister involved was the famous FE Smith, a man of lacerating wit who became a Tory MP and was eventually enobled as Lord Birkenhead.
Lots of Smiths
IN ENGLAND there was also a Justice Smith who one day found himself presiding over a case where the opposing counsel were both called Smith, the accused was Smith and the first witness was also Smith.
The judge: "Is this a court roll or a hotel register?"
Digital democracy
HERE'S a commentary on the status of democracy in Africa, expressed in computer download language:
Guinea: ███ 100% complete...
Tunisia: ███ 100% complete...
Egypt: ███ 100% complete...
Libya: Downloading...
Algeria: Downloading...
Ivory Coast: ██░ 60% [Alert: Virus-Gbagbo detected: Trojan Horse-Ouattarra in quarantine]
Congo: Connection lost since 1997
Zimbabwe: 404 Error - Server not found
Tell the marines
IT SEEMS that in the conviviality of the NMR sergeants' mess last weekend, I might have got the wrong end of the stick.
Retired sergeant-major John Goodrich tells me Sarie Marais is not the marching tune of the Royal Marines, it's the slow march of the Royal Marine Commandos, a unit formed only in 1940.
Churchill chose the name because he admired the Boer commandos of the South African War. Sarie Marais was chosen as a tune because of the connection.
John is backed by Mark Hennessy, who says the marching song of the Royal Marines overall is A Life on the Ocean Wave.
I'm afraid we sloppy deckhands just don't understand these things and often get them wrong.
Tailpiece
A Mafia godfather finds that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of $10 million. Enzo is a deaf mute, chosen because he would hear nothing he could later testify about in court.
The godfather confronts Enzo, using his lawyer who knows sign language.
Godfather: "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
Using sign language, the lawyer asks him. Enzo signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
Lawyer: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says: "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back: "OK, you win. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge."
Godfather: "What did he say?"
Lawyer: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Last word
We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations. - Charles Swindoll
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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