Julius shuts his trapp
AN UNCANNY silence falls upon the land. Julius Malema has nothing to say. The wind howls about the mine dumps, it sighs over the scrub of the Great Karoo, undisturbed by a human vowel.
Julius Malema has joined the Trappist order of monks, with their vow of perpetual silence, their round of prayer and meditation.
South African politics and the news dissemination industry have yet to absorb the full implications. Telephoned for confirmation that Malema has joined the Silent Order, a spokesman for the ANC Youth League replied: "We can say nothing. Comrade Julius is saying nothing. He is speaking to nobody. The Abbott of Limpopo might grant him dispensation to say something in five years' time …"
Wills and Kate
MEANWHILE, the celebrity and news dissemination industry world-wide has been shocked and stunned by the disclosure that Prince William and Kate Middleton have eloped to an undisclosed island in the Outer Hebrides, after a short stop-over at the blacksmith's shop at Gretna Green.
In a brief communiqué issued to Reuters, the Prince said: "Kate and I simply cannot stand any more of this hysteria. We've had it up to here with the royal commentators and the agony aunts. Our apologies to the manufacturers of royal wedding mugs, tea towels and other memorabilia".
The announcement has caused consternation on Fleet Street, where the wine bars are packed with weepy female columnists. But one memorabilia manufacturer has already turned things to his advantage. Tea towels depicting William and Kate climbing a ladder over the wall of Buckingham Palace are doing a roaring trade and …
Moses Mabhida
A USE HAS at last been found for Moses Mabhida stadium, guaranteeing capacity gates in the years and decades ahead. The Department of Justice and the Department of Tourism announced in a joint statement last night that it has been selected as the venue for the interrogation and trial of the thousands of public servants and crooked businessmen who have been fingered for looting the public purse. A spokesman dismissed the argument that Moses Mabhida is too small, that it could never contain all the country's tenderpreneurs and public sector fraudsters.
"That's not what we have in mind at all. We have in mind a refinement on ancient Rome, where they used to throw the Christians to the lions on a piecemeal basis. Here, on a piecemeal basis, we will throw the fraudsters to the forensic auditors, the prosecutors and the Special Investigations Unit. It will be a seven-days-a-week activity, crowds of tax-payers roaring and cheering and giving the thumbs-down. It will be a wonderful spectacle, better than any football match. We are printing a warehouse full of special red cards signifying a jail sentence. Part of the seating in Moses Mabhida will be set aside for overseas visitors because we anticipate this becoming a major tourist attraction and …"
Always overspill
Memo to Editor: This really is becoming tedious. Every year on April 1, this column has to take the overspill from the news pages.
Coffee break
VAN DER MERWE complains: "Again today a guy tipped Nescafe, milk, sugar and boiling water on my head. I've had enough of being taken for a mug."
Tailpiece
A GIRL meets up with two ship's officers in a waterfront pub in the Point precinct. She tells them she's desperate to get to Australia.
The two – second and third officer respectively on a vessel tied up in the harbour – suggest that she stow away in their cabin. In return for her favours, they'll get her to Australia.
Later that evening they smuggle her on board. A couple of hours later the vessel casts off. Things are going well but a couple of weeks later they tell her the mate has tumbled to their little scheme. Unless he's cut in on the action, he's going to tell the skipper.
She agrees, but things are by now getting a little hectic. After another week she hears scrubbing outside the cabin and she opens the door a crack. A deckhand is on all fours.
"Pssst! When do we get to Australia?"
He looks at her in astonishment. "Australia? Lady, this is the dredger!"
Last word
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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