The Idler, Monday April 4, 2011

The unrest spreads

 

THE POLITICAL turbulence of the Arab world has now shown itself in the streets of Dubai. This exclusive report comes from none other than Wordsworth, the Scottish hack whose columns graced these pages some years ago.

 

Wordsworth is now stationed in Dubai and he was startled on Saturday night to see crowds milling about in the streets chanting: "Dog! Dog!" The air was thick with smoke and explosions shook the city.

 

For some reason they were chanting in Zulu: "Inja! Inja!" (Wordsworth spent enough time in KwaZulu-Natal to know the Zulu word for a dog).

 

He confided in his companion at the bar – an international banker known as Badri Babu – that matters appeared to be taking a turn for the worse. This was Tunisia and Bahrain all over again. Babu summoned Sundar Subhesan (the chief Brahmin) for urgent consultation.

 

Wordsworth then sallied forth fearlessly into the melee outside. Smoke had enveloped the city, explosions were coming from every apartment block. What was going on?

 

"Inja! Inja!" the crowd roared as they surged through the streets. But why were they speaking Zulu?

 

Then the penny dropped. They were actually chanting "India! India!" The Cricket World Cup final had just ended.

 

Dubai has hundreds of thousands of expatriate Indian workers. They drive the taxis, they work on the building sites, they have a monopoly on the clerical jobs, they run the shops.

 

And they were letting off steam - firecrackers also. Dubai hasn't ever seen excitement like it, according to Wordsworth – well, not since Burns Nicht anyway. Dubai has a huge expat community.

 

 

Planning

 

LYLIE Musgrave, of Durban, sends in some sound advice on planning for one's retirement.

 

If you had purchased R1 000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would now be worth R49.

With Enron, you would have had R16.50 left of the original R1 000.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than R5 left.
 
If you had purchased R1 000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have R49 left.

But if you had purchased R1 000 worth of wine a year ago, drunk it all then turned in the bottles for the recycling refund, you would have had R214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 

 

Poetry school

 

A PROTÉGÉ of Ian Gibson, bard of Hillcrest – who apparently now has a school of poetry going – submits some lines on a well-known political figure. Let us applaud the debut of Mike Dunleavy, who gives his address as the Hillcrest Bowls Club Bar.

 

An ANC acolyte named Julius

Found his stagecraft could whip a mob furious;

So after much wining

He fell into mining,

Now he plans to explode like Vesuvius.

 

Hey, not bad!

 

 

Tailpiece

A MAN walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. The waitress asks for their orders.
Man: "A hamburger, fries and a Coke."
Ostrich: "I'll have the same.".

They eat and the waitress brings the bill. "That will
be R39.40 please."The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change.

Next day, the man and the ostrich come again.

Man: "A hamburger, fries and a Coke."

Ostrich: "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.


This becomes a daily routine . Then one night they come in again.

Waitress: "The usual?"
Man: "No, this time I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad."
Ostrich: "I'll have the same."
The waitress brings the order. "That'll be R74.62." Again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and puts it on the table.


Waitress: "I'm curious. How do you always have the exact change in your pocket?"


"Well, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would be there."

"Brilliant! And what's with the ostrich?"


He sighs and pauses. "My second wish was for a chick
with long legs and a big ass who agrees with everything I say."

 

Last word

 

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

Clive Barnes

GRAHAM LINSCOTT